Young, Horny & Ready To Marry!

Falling in love isn’t what it used to be. It was once a leisurely stroll along a pearly beach, the soft embrace of her hand upon yours as the sun carelessly drops beneath the horizon, your lips touching, deep breathing, passionate coitus upon silk sheets with a light breeze and the aromatic fragrance of rose petals permeating the air. Now, it’s a bottle of cheap wine, a 4am MacDonald’s meal and the courtesy of a “thank you” after she managed to make her feet touch the back of her neck. Romeo and “undying commitment” has been replaced by Chris Brown and “fist gestures” and Valentines Day is now only good for a “Dress only in Red” party at Tiger Tiger. And thus marriage’s sanctity has lost the value it once held. No longer is death the only reason to part ways; inSouth Africait is now legitimate to cite “impotency” as a legal ground for divorce. “I swear baby this has never happened before… should have signed the fucking pre-nup.” Now Im 25 and I see people my age slowly starting to tie the knot. Is it this fallible commitment doomed to collapse? Or is it now time to take relationships a bit more seriously?

InAfrica42 percent of girls under-18 are married. In over 92% of those cases the male is old enough to legally buy beer. And while I’m sure that Sierra Leoneans are keen to get their drink on before they come of age, one has to consider that love is not the mitigating factor when it comes to wedlock. This is seen on a global scale, where 23% of American marriages end in divorce before reaching the 5 year mark and 43% by the time they hit their 15 yearCrystalanniversary. Love is eternal? Until the money runs out, or she adds those extra pounds that her mother’s waistline warned you about. Shakespearean romance appears to have dematerialized; we might still see the occasional couple who are in their nineties and still happy as peaches, but that’s because they got married 70 fucking years ago. How many grey haired wrinkly old stooges will still be wrapped in each others embrace come 2080? Do I dare be the Cupid executioner and say that love does not last? You smell the same morning breath steaming down your neck enough times and eventually that fountain of love will run dry.

But don’t, for a second, think that entering a marriage doomed to failure is a fruitless endeavor. Rupert Murdoch’s wife fleeced the old hound for 1.7 billion dollars when their nuptials finally came home to roost. But I can understand from her position:

A.)  He is, invariably, a poes.

B.)  His man-stallion must look like 16 dried apricots on a string.

Age, unfortunately, removes beauty and if the love isn’t intertwined through the heart of the relationship then by 60 you have little to hold onto; especially if you can leave him for a Spanish pool boy and enough cash to build your own nuclear power plant. The advantages of staying with a person versus leaving them sometimes just don’t add up. This is coupled with our celebrity role models who can’t seem to hang onto a marriage longer than a sky jumper’s freefall; the famous Kardashian 72 day ultra-marriage paying homage to that. Britney Spears’ fleeting day long marriage holds a rather blistering torch to ‘ol Kim’s transitory matrimony, and these are the people our young ones hold in esteem. Beniffer, Brangelina, Tom Cruidman (OK that was my attempt, but trust Cruise to fuck everything up), are all twisted doomed engagements that our kids look up to, why wouldn’t marriages fail?

At the end of the day my folks got married when they were 25 and are still almost strangely perfect in wedlock. Should we get married that early though? With what we know about marriage nowadays should we be saying “I do” before we say “I have a boil on my bum and I need you to do an evaluation”? What’s the hurry?  Fall in love, treasure that love and don’t take the obvious route. Know your partner back to front and inside out. Divorce is not something that should ever happen and in the 1800’s suicide was a more preferable exit. For the first time two years ago the average age of Americans getting married went past the 30 mark. Good. You don’t get a tattoo of a scorpion on your dick when youre 16. Why? Cause youre gonna feel like a right chop when you know better, even though it seems genius at the time. This is all of course until you knock some chick up, then get on one knee and be eternally regretful that she didn’t just get down on both of hers.

~Stroob~

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5 Comments

  1. Michelle says:

    fucking brilliant article….. :)

  2. Jet Black says:

    Lovely, but you forgot to mention all the MDMA induced ‘weddings’.

    Otherwise a really true to life piece of writing.

  3. Carrott says:

    Nicely said. Honestly at 27 I have three friends that are already divorced and it disturbs me. Strangely they are all younger than me and all religious no sex before marriage types who married after less than a year of meeting each other. (I’m not SAYING that they rushed to get married because of sheer horniness, just implying it.)

    Everything about today’s society is rushed, it makes me sad that love seems to be going the same way….

  4. Nonamebrand says:

    Hilarious (and sadly, true) article…excellent writing Stroob!!

  5. anthony says:

    ‘Strangely perfect’??…..not really….but, yeah, we work at it! Successful marriages need work….not necessarily hard…well, you know what I mean!
    Great article…particularly love the last line! :)

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