Win Tickets To Michael McIntyre In Cape Town
Michael McIntyre, the biggest selling comedian from the United Kingdom will be performing live in Cape Town at The Grand Arena at Grandwest on 19 April 2013. His tour last year in 2012 got him into the Guiness Book of records as the biggest selling comedian with ticket sales of over 700000 in the United Kingdom alone. His BAFTA nominated BBC 1 series, Michael Mcintyre’s Comedy Roadshow is one of the most popular TV shows in South Africa. Michael’s big break came at the Royal Variety Performance in 2006.
His debut DVD, Live and Laughing, was the fastest selling of all time, only to be eclipsed by his second, Hello Wembley, that sold over 1.4 million copies and was the 2009 Christmas number one. He now hosts his own BAFTA nominated BBC 1 series, Michael Mcintyre’s Comedy Roadshow, and has won British Comedy Awards for Best Live Stand-up in 2009 and Best Male TV Comic in 2010. In 2010 he became the youngest ever host of The Royal Variety Performance and released his bestselling autobiography, Life and Laughing. In 2011 Michael was a judge on the hit ITV1 show Britain’s Got Talent. He also hosted Michael Mcintyre’s Christmas Comedy Roadshow on BBC1 Christmas Day which was watched by over 8 million viewers.
Don’t miss Michael McIntyre live in Cape Town on the 19 April 2013.
Tickets available at Computicket.
For more information, go to www.realsa.co.za
Competition Time:
We have been given DOUBLE tickets to give away to the CAPE TOWN show!
Simply comment below with your funniest JOKE and we’ll announce a winner on the 17th of April.
Send us your jokes!
43 Comments
Polar bear walks into a bar. Sits down, says
“Barman, can I get a ……………………………………… beer please”.
Barman says to him “Why the big pause?”
Polar bear looks at him with bemusement, says “Because I’m a polar bear”.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
A gymnast walks into a bar…
(:
Man walks up to the barman and says I’ll bet you $500 I can wee in a beer glass on the bar counter 4ft away without spilling a drop on the counter.
The barman agrees and as the man starts weeing he wees everywhere except in the beer glass. The barman laughs and as he takes the $500 from the man. The man smiles happily and turns to walk away.
The barman stops him asking, how can you be so happy about losing $500?
Man replies: You see those to guys in the corner of the bar? I bet them $500 each that not only can I wee all over your bar but you’ll be happy about it!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”
Why do people hate on paedophiles so much? At least they slow down when they drive past schools…
I went to this Karaoke Bar, and when I got there I found they did not play 70s Music. At First I was Afraid, I was Petrified
man 1: dude did you hear that actress dided?!
man 2: no who?
man 1: reese wither…wither…
man 2: witherspoon?
man 1: no with a knife!
Seeing as we live in RSA, i thought this joke was fitting:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA – I laugh EVERYTIME!!!!
Oranges
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
One day Johnny is sitting in Class and the teacher asks:
“If three birds are sitting on a wire and you through a stone at one of them, how many birds are left?
The class thinks and thinks, and then Johnny puts up his hand and the teacher says yes Johnny.
“Mam’m if there are three birds sitting on a wire and you through a stone at one, there will be none left because they will all fly away.
The teacher responds “no johnny, that is not right, there will be two birds left, but I like the way you think.
As the day goes on, Johnny is thinking and then puts up his hand and says to the teacher:
“Mam’m I have a question for you”, the teacher replies “Go on Johnny, what is it”
Johnny reacts “Mam’m if there are 3 woman walking down the street; one is licking an ice-cream, one is sucking an ice-cream and the other is biting an ice-cream; which one is married?”
The teacher thinks and thinks, and finally says “the one sucking the ice-cream” Johnny replies “no Mam’m, the one with a wedding ring, but I like the way you think”
old Jan works at a doctor as a cleaner. one afternoon late the doctor asks old Jan to look after his patients as he has to go out on an urgent errand.
the next morning he calls old Jan into his office and asks how it went.
old Jan: “Well, there were 3 patients, the 1st one had a cough, so I gave him Benylin.”
Doctor: “Good man! and the others?”
old Jan: “The next patient that came in had severe allergies, so I gave him Allergex.”
Doctor: “Thats great Jan, and what about the last patient?”
old Jan: “It was a lady, she came in, ripped off all her clothes and lay on the doctors table and said she hasnt seen a man in 4 years.”
Doctor: “Oh hell old Jan, so what did you do then?
old Jan: “I threw eye-drops in her eyes.”
“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”
OR
“All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer, this is not a drawer we will pick out early. A drawer will become available, we will tentatively enquire as to it’s usage, “darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me?”..Yes I think you can…good this will be my man drawer!!”
Conclave has ended and Morgan Freeman has been appointed the new Head Of the Catholic Church,they have also said contraception can be used.Click the link below to see Freeman throwing condoms out at evening mass.
Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking: “Stop clicking your fingers”.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger get away!” The woman thought, “this is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She farted loudly. The father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”
Two muffins are in an oven.
One of the muffins says “Oh My God! Its so hot in here!”
The other muffin says:”Oh My God! a talking muffin!”
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”
“What are the three tests?” asks the man
“Gotta pay first.”
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”
“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”
A Scotsman man noticed a group of people diving a few hundred metres off shore. When the group of divers docked in the harbour, the american asked the group, “why is it that divers fall backwards off the side of the boat, into he water?” To which an american in the group of divers replied, “because if we fell forwards we’d still be in the fucking boat”
Womans rights
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
My mother-inlaw fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
Three mice are sitting in a pub having a discussion’who’s the toughest’
First mouse says ‘I am, I walk up to mouse traps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it and throw it across the room.
Second mouse ‘Oh please! I take rat poision crush it up into powder and get high off it.’
Third mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door.
The other two ask ‘where are you going?’
He replies ‘Home to f*ck the cat’
Three mice are sitting in a pub having a discussion’who’s the toughest’
First mouse says ‘I am, I walk up to mouse traps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it and throw it across the room.
Second mouse ‘Oh please! I take rat poison crush it up into powder and get high off it.’
Third mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door.
The other two ask ‘where are you going?’
He replies ‘Home to f*ck the cat’
I caught the wife masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson movie earlier.. she loves a good Bean Flick
If a soldier gets attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray, does that make him a well seasoned veteran?
What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–”
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
Two whales are talking to each other. The first one says, “Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuu,” to which the second replies, “Frank, you’re drunk.”
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn’t so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
So that’s definitely a winner
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn’t so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
So that’s definitely a winner
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it” he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
“Posh hotels have a “turn-down” service when a maid comes to your room in the evening to prepare your bed for slumber. I had never heard of this and I was staying in one of these hotels when there was a knock at the door and a woman said: “I’ve come to turn down your bed,” to which I said: “Well, many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?”
What do you call a ginger bread man with 1 leg?
Limp biscuit(•_•)
What’s long, green, slimy and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog’s finger!
What’s long, green, slimy and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog’s finger
well done to Gareth Rosslee
You won yourself double tickets to Michael McIntyre.
Well done
POLAR BEAR FOR THE WIN!