As any impressionable boy child will tell you, viewing porn was one of the cornerstones of their upbringing. Whether it be huddled around dialup internet erotica or on their own trying to surgically unstick the pages of a second hand Hustler, each and every man saw the naked female form in print before person. And how deluded were we? Thinking that 36DD boobs and vaginas that glisten like Twilight vampires in the sun were the norm. Thinking that women enjoyed fivesomes with midgets and that all lesbians were blonde, slender and knew their way around motorized penis substitutes. Even thinking that milkmen, fire men and police officers were the few professions that seemed to engage in the most frequent of coitus through the most miniscule of conversation. Those were the days; quite literally 15 and living the dream. So I wanted to honour these vixens of unrequited teenage love and make them know, that through my appreciation, all those cumshots to the eye would be worth it. I started by looking at the AVN Porn awards, but with 75 catergories it seemed too much. Who cares about down syndrome amputee blowjob of the year? I want the hall of fame, the holy challis of pornographic super stardom. And thus I have created my top five, a list to end all lists!
If your ancestors migrated from the Ukraine during the war, chances are you’re a pornstar. This blonde haired, blue eyed, neatly shaven wunderminx didn’t begin her career in a strip club earning money to pay for college; she openly admits wanting to be a pornstar from grade school. And while other girls were becoming ballerinas or playing field hockey, Bree was hard at work; planning her triumphant scene in the 8th Day that scored her the AVN award for best All-Girl Three-way Sex Scene at last year’s AVN’s. I think I speak for all men when I say follow your dreams girls. Starring in over 170 movies her vagina is more famous than Francois Pienaar’s face, and has a cuter dimple. Her greatest inspiration is her grandmother that escaped a concentration camp in Austria, she is doing an upcoming tribute film for her entitle “Touch Me in my Auschwitzel”, it hits all classy cinemas this fall.
Never have I been so glad one woman had daddy issues. The 37 year old starlet that brought hardcore to the silver screen will forever be emblazoned in the wank banks of teenage dirtbags and corporate businessmen alike. The most iconic matriarch of her industry was just 16 when she got into the game. In 1990 she ran away from home with her boyfriend, ripped off her bracers with pliers and got a fake ID in order to join one of Las Vegas’ premium exotic dance shows. Since then her career has grown faster than the dicks of those who watch her shows and is now recognized as the queen of smut. She’s won more awards for anal sex than Spielberg won Oscars for Schindler’s List, She commands more cash per movie than Don Cheedle, owns her own production company, website and line of products, has a voice in Family Guy, Grand Theft Auto and Tony hawk’s 4 and her E! True Hollywood story is still the most viewed of all time. Now that she’s retired from the industry she is married to UFC fighter Tito Ortiz, they have twins. Apparently they still fuck, although its like throwing steak against the wall of a batcave.
Sasha has earned the world’s most ironic title as the Brains of Porn. And not just cause of that double penetration scene she did as librarian in ’04. Touted as the next Jenna J, she has struggled through sleazy 5 man orgies to become an up and comer in both modeling and mainstream Hollywood cinema. She has catapulted to the pinnacle of her field overcoming underhanded producers, touchy feely directors and over endowed costars to be known as the bulldog of adult cinema. So what if she can no longer walk in a straight line? She has even starred in Entourage as Vinnie Chase’s coked up girlfriend, yet still insists her mom and dad are oh so proud. I can only imagine the look on my mothers face if acclaimed director Steven Soderbugh were to announce to Rolling Stone “The unbelievable acts this woman is willing to do”. Totally shits on any tennis trophy I ever brought home.
Without doubt the dirtiest ‘ol hussy in porn began work at aged 15, at a Utah Subway takeaway where she keenly familiarized herself with all things 12 inch. Directors were shocked and delighted when her first ever role involved her urinating on a co-star, not unlike most Friday nights out with Matthew Caldecott. Her productions have been weirdly veiled under the “Gonzo Pornography” umbrella genre. Which to be honest sounds a bit like sex with a Sesame street character but who I am to judge. Her recent plunge into the niche fetish market has seen some of the best video titles of all time: Weapons of Ass Destruction, Dark Meat, Odd Jobs and even the highly acclaimed My Ass is Haunted. Unlike Sasha Grey I’m ninety five percent sure that her parents are not proud, but with an estimated net worth of over $30 million im sure shes making do.
The only male on our list hails from the dirty underbelly of Johannesburg’s foulest cesspit… Bryanston. This malicious character uses his wit, impressive facial hair and adequately sized penis to lure many unsuspecting girls into his web of deceit, shattered dreams and broken promises. Using phrases like “These jeans are nowhere near skinny enough”, “Does this chest hair make my bum look big?” and “18 is perfectly legit, bru”, he has conquered a seemingly endless list of prized poontang… and his career is now on the cusp of greatness. Using a suave demeanor and a sometimes violent sexual technique, his conquests are now being lauded on the Jozi underground amateur video network. At a time when people were starting to hail porn as banal and boring; Adams’ insatiable urge for the peculiar has kept viewers coming back for more. The underarm, the elbow, behind the ear; nothing is safe when this porn beast takes his prey. One word of advice, see a mental professional 4-6 days after viewing his material, your sanity, sexual virility and indeed your appetite might not survive the ordeal.
You might think that this article took more research than a post-grad thesis, and while you are semi-right at no stage did it take an R18 turn. In fact all was done at work, on a highly guarded server. However the chances of you now searching for these sexual deviants is now high and with that in mind I would like to offer one small piece of advise: Don’t ever ever ever watch porn in blu-ray, somethings are just not meant to be seen.