Falling in love isn’t what it used to be. It was once a leisurely stroll along a pearly beach, the soft embrace of her hand upon yours as the sun carelessly drops beneath the horizon, your lips touching, deep breathing, passionate coitus upon silk sheets with a light breeze and the aromatic fragrance of rose petals permeating the air. Now, it’s a bottle of cheap wine, a 4am MacDonald’s meal and the courtesy of a “thank you” after she managed to make her feet touch the back of her neck. Romeo and “undying commitment” has been replaced by Chris Brown and “fist gestures” and Valentines Day is now only good for a “Dress only in Red” party at Tiger Tiger. And thus marriage’s sanctity has lost the value it once held. No longer is death the only reason to part ways; inSouth Africait is now legitimate to cite “impotency” as a legal ground for divorce. “I swear baby this has never happened before… should have signed the fucking pre-nup.” Now Im 25 and I see people my age slowly starting to tie the knot. Is it this fallible commitment doomed to collapse? Or is it now time to take relationships a bit more seriously?

InAfrica42 percent of girls under-18 are married. In over 92% of those cases the male is old enough to legally buy beer. And while I’m sure that Sierra Leoneans are keen to get their drink on before they come of age, one has to consider that love is not the mitigating factor when it comes to wedlock. This is seen on a global scale, where 23% of American marriages end in divorce before reaching the 5 year mark and 43% by the time they hit their 15 yearCrystalanniversary. Love is eternal? Until the money runs out, or she adds those extra pounds that her mother’s waistline warned you about. Shakespearean romance appears to have dematerialized; we might still see the occasional couple who are in their nineties and still happy as peaches, but that’s because they got married 70 fucking years ago. How many grey haired wrinkly old stooges will still be wrapped in each others embrace come 2080? Do I dare be the Cupid executioner and say that love does not last? You smell the same morning breath steaming down your neck enough times and eventually that fountain of love will run dry.

But don’t, for a second, think that entering a marriage doomed to failure is a fruitless endeavor. Rupert Murdoch’s wife fleeced the old hound for 1.7 billion dollars when their nuptials finally came home to roost. But I can understand from her position:

A.)  He is, invariably, a poes.

B.)  His man-stallion must look like 16 dried apricots on a string.

Age, unfortunately, removes beauty and if the love isn’t intertwined through the heart of the relationship then by 60 you have little to hold onto; especially if you can leave him for a Spanish pool boy and enough cash to build your own nuclear power plant. The advantages of staying with a person versus leaving them sometimes just don’t add up. This is coupled with our celebrity role models who can’t seem to hang onto a marriage longer than a sky jumper’s freefall; the famous Kardashian 72 day ultra-marriage paying homage to that. Britney Spears’ fleeting day long marriage holds a rather blistering torch to ‘ol Kim’s transitory matrimony, and these are the people our young ones hold in esteem. Beniffer, Brangelina, Tom Cruidman (OK that was my attempt, but trust Cruise to fuck everything up), are all twisted doomed engagements that our kids look up to, why wouldn’t marriages fail?

At the end of the day my folks got married when they were 25 and are still almost strangely perfect in wedlock. Should we get married that early though? With what we know about marriage nowadays should we be saying “I do” before we say “I have a boil on my bum and I need you to do an evaluation”? What’s the hurry?  Fall in love, treasure that love and don’t take the obvious route. Know your partner back to front and inside out. Divorce is not something that should ever happen and in the 1800’s suicide was a more preferable exit. For the first time two years ago the average age of Americans getting married went past the 30 mark. Good. You don’t get a tattoo of a scorpion on your dick when youre 16. Why? Cause youre gonna feel like a right chop when you know better, even though it seems genius at the time. This is all of course until you knock some chick up, then get on one knee and be eternally regretful that she didn’t just get down on both of hers.

~Stroob~

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Why is it that people tend to melt down when they are going through a break up? It ended, now move through the stages of grief, pick yourself up and make it work for you!

This has been sparked after another huge wave of relationships turning to kak! Way too many awesome people in my life are getting kicked to the curb by – from my view purely idiotic – people who simply cannot appreciate a good thing when they have it.

It never seizes to amaze me how we end up making a book of excuses for the other person. Why they might not be ready? Why they couldn’t commit? Why they need time? We need to start thinking with our heads, and close off our hearts! The easiest and wisest way to manage a failed relationship, is by dealing with it as if it were a business. When a business transaction falls through, you don’t spend hours after hours trying to analyse why the company didn’t fit into your schematics. You look at areas of your business model that might need some tweaking, invest in strengthening those weaknesses, and move on to the next conquest. Why the heck do we not treat matters of the heart in the same fashion?

Emotions are irrational… and as much as it is sometimes healthy to only use emotions to deal with certain circumstances, using it for an ending love affair is NOT!

How do you change your mind course to focus on more promising ventures?

There’s nothing more empowering than getting onto the treadmill, sticking your earphones into you lobes, then running like a demon till the sweat is dripping off every part of your body – sure the boys have a great visual now.

Not only does exercise release endorphins, but by going through these motions you rid yourself of pent up anger, frustrations or simply just the hidden emotions that are bottle up and might be fighting their way to the surface.

Please however remember, that everyone deals with this situation in different ways.

Everyone has different coping mechanisms, but I’ve jotted down a few steps, or rather some suggestions that might help guide you through this difficult time.

• Nothing is better for a social life then suddenly being single. MINGLE! With the Social Networks and media there are so many opportunities to meet a ton of fabulous single people.
• You have all the time in the world to do what makes you happy.
• Do something that has always scared you. Do something adventurous – go on a cruise, join a ‘book club’, sign on to a dating site, take up a dancing class, go somewhere new, take a trip!
• No one to double-check calendars with. Your time belongs to you.
• Go see the movies or DVD’s YOU want to see. No more arguing about action vs comedy.
• Find Hobbies that fulfill you.
• Find time for your long lost buddies – you have your whole weekend now!
• Work on YOU. Hit the gym – remember the endorphins that you get from exercise will make you feel tons better, and you will look amazing.
• Admit that you are awesome! Stop looking back, and focus forward. If you don’t, you might as well be trying to drive a car forward by having the gears set to reverse.
• Stop pining! It’s called a ‘break-up’ because it’s broken…
• Go on dates! Yes you might not be ready for the next commitment, but this will re-assure you, and remind you that you are awesome! It’s awesome for your bruised ego to get your flirt on. This doesn’t mean you should in any way let loose and jump in between the sheets with everyone new person you meet (although if that works for you, hell go right ahead).
• Surround yourself with positive people and friends. Now is the time to lean on the people that know your strengths, attributes and can highlight what you have to offer.

Don’t:

• Please DO NOT go do something insane straight out of the emotional court and cut your hair – this is if you have long, beautiful flowing hair. Everyone I know that has done that has always regretted it afterwards. (If you’re a guy – doing outrageous streaks in your hair or changing the colour thereof is not a suitable route for everyone.)
• DO NOT sit at home with a tub of ice cream, box of chocolates, with a bottle of liquor or feeling miserable!
• DO NOT stare at photos, gifts or anything else that you might have shared with that person. I deal with things very differently by tearing up or burning any of the sentimental items. NB! This doesn’t mean YOU will be happy with having a bonfire of all your holiday pics with the ex.
• DO NOT read the last messages or emails trying to find the cryptic clues! DELETE them. If you are weak at cutting off the contact, delete their email, phone numbers, facebook, etc.

I know all this is easier said than done.

Nothing sucks more than having to try glue the pieces of your broken heart back together, one shattered piece at a time.

Take it one day at a time – focus your strength on the things that make you feel positive.

If it adds to helping out: the most fabulous feeling is seeing the look on the ex’s face when you walk into a room looking gorgeous! (Although, don’t just do it for that – do it for YOU!)

Here’s to all the singles people out there… SINGLE is the new couple. Make love to YOURSELF!

I am almost lost for words at how awesome this is. Egadz as he is known as, has some seriously skills with his own LIVE production. With constant use of a keyboard and a sample pad he creates music that could be described as top class. In this video below he creates a tune that wish I could make. I have some serious respect for this guy, I would love to see a live set like this down in Cape Town.

What do you think?

Not bad hey…

(Thanks Ricky)

As most you my loyal Twitter fans will know, this topic was sparked whilst lying on the mat killing myself doing crunches, when low and behold my eyes are blinded by a shocking green reflection! If there’s one thing I hate even more the ‘resolution gymers’ it’s the not so rare, Gym Poppie.

You can spot them from a mile away (please note as you look at the photo I took, that her friend is also wearing quite – uhm – interesting pants).
They have a very well thought out outfit, mostly matching, always designer or something close to that, usually working ‘very hard’ in a step class.
Also spotted sporting this would be the ladies that are classed in the ‘Cougar’ or ‘Trophy Wife’ category.
The worst part is, in my attempt to find photos or examples on the Internet, I came up mostly empty handed, finding only one which is advertising – and proves my point – that you can still fit into those OLD outfits ! Seems these ladies find their special uniforms in a secret place (I have therefore attached accepted attire)

I’m totally fascinated by them.
From my experience, the last thing I’m trying to do when working up a sweat, is get people to notice me. My poor brother always has a near death experience when he does a session with me, because I’ve typically got my baggiest sweat pants and t-shirt on. I can always see him mentally digging a hole in the groud, praying he doesn’t bump into someone he knows. I’m soooo not there to score.

I decided to ask a few people if they had ever pulled the moves on an unsuspecting person while that individual was barely focusing on managing just breathing, or if someone had tried the stunt on them.
It seems mostly girls are the ones getting chatted up, one or two guys having the similar experience, and to NO surprise, the girls that did get the brave approach, were wearing normal gym attire. What’s normal? Well definitely not a matching outfit to start, that looks like you’ve just stepped out of a 80’s Fame production or anything along those lines.
But those of you who understand what I’m referring to, will need no more than that explanation…

Darn it WOMAN, you’re not auditioning for a role in a music video, so don’t dress like it!

I wonder if those girls ever look in the mirror thinking; ‘you look so gorgeous and so ready for a workout. Jane Fonda’s got nothing on you…’

Eye of the Tiger baby, Eye of the Tiger…

So this thought was born out of a hilarious comment from Ricky himself. Something along the line of, “All my serotonin has returned to me like the knowledge of how crap I was in bed the first time…” I think we can all relate!

So naturally it got me to thinking, that surely there must be many of us that had that ‘awful’ first experience, and come to think of it – excuse the pun – it must be a hell of a lot worse for men? The pressure must be horrible on your first time!

After asking a few of the peeps, it seems that there is a resonating answer, with only one or two really thinking their introduction into the sexual realms was acceptable, and that they wouldn’t change anything, for the rest of us – we want a definite do over!

Most of the initial interactions were done with people that weren’t the ‘love of our lives’; it was in an awkward position or place, with nearly everyone saying they would relive the moment with someone else.

For the guys it seems that they were all taught by an older female counterpart, with the ladies basically just wanting to get the deed over and done with!

We spend our days of virginity planning the great event, praying that it does seem as romantic as most of the movies or televisions shows render it! Unfortunately, most of us are horribly disappointed when it’s left being done on the back seat of a car, in a hostel bedroom (with cheering mates in the next room – talk about a walk of shame), with a close friend or a summer fling…

To add insult to injury, for the most part, there were embarrassing events such as premature release, bumping heads (and no I was not referring to crossing swords), a lot of pain for the girls… leaving you with the a very uncomfortable silence, not knowing whether cuddling would be an acceptable part of play or be called a solid foul!

The good news is that we all seem to share the same anticlimax, leaving our first time – I quote from someone I questioned – ‘…NOTHING to write home about…’

The other good news is, that hopefully along the path of sexual maturity, most of us have climbed into ‘How To…’ books, listened to our partners – taking their input as learning curves rather than personal attacks, chatted to mates on some pointers, or just read enough FHM tips to give all of us more of an edge.

For those of you that feel you are still pretty sucky in the sack – once again excuse the pun… don’t stress your little heads. This site will of course try and assist in any way we can to guide you through the darkest routes… All you have to do is ask!

Kreg is afraid of public toilets and being the really good friend that I am, I decided to do a little bit of research and use some of the psychological prowess that I had built up in my several years at varisty (please hold back the jokes) to assist him and a plethora of others out there get over their fear. Lets start with the possible origins for the fear of the porcelain cave (toilet).

When we were all little whipper-snappers we were afraid of some pretty mundane things. For example I was afraid of clothes lindt because I was convinced that it had a vendetta against me and Donald Duck- dont ask. So why toilets in particular then? Well when I was younger, one of my playschool friends told me that a clown lived inside the depths of my bog, which was quite a terrifying thought considering that the movie IT scared the living crap out of me and just about every kid growing up in the 80′s. To make matters worse, when I was in Grade 7 (standard 5 for those of you who can remember normal schooling) there was this National Geographic episode that we had taped (on a VHS cassette- shock horror), that covered this story where a huge number of reptiles were “popping up” in peoples’ loo’s, proceeding to nip them in the butt (haha, i amuse myself). I mean is there anything more terrifying than a python nibbling your nuts because it thinks they look like a rabbit’s nose?!

Things really didnt get better for anyone with an inclination to be afraid of arbitrary things with a talk that we got from our health and PE teacher when I got to High School. Complete with flip charts and rather graphic pictures we were told about the dangers of contracting pubic lice and crabs while using the public loos at school- I mean seriously- did they ever want me to take a shit at school? I promptly shaved my pubes and labelled it under the guise of being metrosexual (thank the heavens for David Beckham).

Apart from all of that terrifying propaganda there’s the fact that public toilets (especially school & university ones for some mad reason) are often quite dirty. If the rather “interesting” smells of ass, skid marks and splashes aren’t enough, there’s that whole gap under the bottom thing and the fact that it is almost impossible to get things done without the odd funny noise. Oh and then there’s that toilet from Trainspotting that leads into the sea- please never let me gaze upon something so gastly!

There is obviously a major downside to a fear of public loos. We can get urine infections and constipation. Going regularly is what our body needs. So I’ve tried to compile a list of some facts to try and help all of you get over your fear, in the same way that I have (yes I can now crap anywhere…ANYWHERE).

1) Every single one of us makes farty, squeeky and splashy noises while on the loo. It’s natural. If you thinks its something to make fun of, then you’re the one with the problem.

2) The massive worry of finding a public loo that is in the same state as that one in Trainspotting. Granted that we might not want to eat our dinner off the bog seat, its not very likely that you will pick an infection from sitting on it (unless you bizarrely rub your cookie on it or something). However if you are any doubt, just squat and hover. (its great for your quads).

3) Like public highways, public loos also have rush hours. Do your best to avoid the jams and go do your business at a time when privacy and peace are possible.

Toilet phobia can simply be manifest as a mild distaste for public loos or can be rooted in more recognised afflictions like:

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) linked to a fear of contamination 
• Agoraphobia – an anxiety disorder commonly – and wrongly – linked to fear of open spaces, but which the National Phobics Society says is often manifest as a fear of feeling trapped, and a need to escape 
• Paruresis (‘shy bladder’ syndrome) – the fear of urinating in the company of others 
• Parcopresis (‘bashful bowel’ syndrome) – the inability to defecate in public toilets

I’ve just realised that I havent done much to help, I’ve probably made things worse… Uhm- if you’re still unable to bust a move in a public loo you might try cognitive behaviour therapy, which helps people to break the cycle of faulty thinking and a spot of hypnosis.

Sorry Kreg… You’ll just have to hold it in

Firstly I want to make it clear as crystal that I like slapping the pig skin just as much as any guy. The smooth touch of a woman’s shaven gammon curtain is one of the few exotic pleasures that titillates my fleshy flagpole. However, have you ever thought about how cool a furry piglet could be? An enticing little shaggy porker would make world headlines and literally shutdown the internet. And if you haven’t worked out by now then I’m talking about vaginas, not pigs. In fact I’m 3 8^th’s Jewish. However even in reality a sultry bush-laden minge does provide an over whelming horn on my behalf.

It depends on what mood I’m in but for the most part my impartial outlook lends itself towards well groomed rather than balding poon and if the aforementioned hairy piglet is starting to sprout dreadlocks then I’m singing “No woman no cry” all the way to the door. Keep it neat, keep it clean and if it smells a little bit like sweet melon then thats counting in your favour too.

So how do I keep the stallion? So smooth it shines like rubies? Or some mad Jungle Fever that requires a machete and a chainsaw just to tongue my pistachios? Neither, I have a dollar sign stencilled into my pubes… not really. My nether regions sit at a constant number 5 shave. Long enough not to prickle her forehead, but short enough so it looks bigger in the mirror.

Can men do landing strips without looking like Jenna Jameson with a shlong? Absolutely one hundred percent not. Who do you think you are? Is it ok for a man to get a belly ring? Is it ok for a man to have a dolphin tattoo on his lower back? No its fucking not, so why on earth do you think you can have a little tuft of sweetness right above your whacker and still believe you’re a manly super barbarian?

At the end of the day, I think you should keep it as comfortable as you can. If you’re in a board meeting and have to excuse yourself for a quick groin itch in the hallway then you’re doing it wrong. If you have to leave your nut sack in a glad wrap package of baby powder, then youre doing it wrong. Or if it looks like Jimi Hendrix’s Afro is protruding from between your thighs, then you’re doing it wrong. But I encourage experimentation. Go out and get yourself a snazzy design and just feel shexy, because you could always bed a freaky sex minx thats in the mood for something different. And if your’re a woman… that would be me!

~Stroob~

In light of the Miller Rock the Boat Party, I was left staring into my closet, completely blank for creativity, whilst racking my brain to try and put together barely-there outfits.

I’ve never been on the boat, but I do know one thing, you could pack one bikini, a skirt, a pair of slops, your shades, and then you could survive onboard for the next four days!

Looking at my little ‘pouch’, I suddenly got this sickening feeling that maybe I should’ve skipped over some of the KFC burgers, pizza after a booze up at ridiculous hours and quite possibly the early morning McD’s Sausage & Egg McMuffins! VOMIT!

I’ve been cramming in a gym session here and there the last week, but have realized that maybe when I said I had ‘2 months’ before the boat, the Shakes and Provitas would’ve been a fantastic idea!

Feeling a little unsatisfied I started asking myself the following: “Would anyone, bar the snippy, bitchy Barbie look-alikes even notice my little flabby areas?”

So in true ‘Liesl’ style, I asked my guy mates – seeing that I’m apparently a Flaya and have so many – a few probing questions.

If there was a group of ‘chicks’ standing around at a club, and all of them were equally beautiful, all had the same size breasts and cute little booties (yes boys, I know it’s all about Tits and Ass), what would draw your eyes to gaze upon a single one?

I was surprised that, while putting all ladies on the same grading bar, there was one answer that stood out like a sore thumb!

‘The one that’s smiling and laughing with confidence!!!!’

I was blown away that something so small could be such a complete turn on.

That being comfortable from within, and having a self-love, could emanate beyond the shallow outer casing.

I’ve finding a new love in my male companions, discovering that even beyond the filthy sexual thoughts they have, somewhere inside is a squishy and soft marshmallow romantic that sees beauty skin deep – without the assistance of liquor!

Don’t get me wrong, I do understand that your shining personality can only get you so far, but I was re-assured by one of them that I have a certain ‘sexiness oozing out’.

So I’ve packed my 3 swimsuits, my sunscreen, my beach ready curl spray and I’m ready to SUIT UP! Bring on that Social Whore inside. We’re going to mingle and jingle with the best of them!

Now let’s hope, that from some of the rumors I’ve heard, the suit does in fact stay on! I don’t think I’m quite ready to be on a home video of ‘Girls Gone Wild’!

I think for the very first time that I’ve ever been single, I’ve completely embraced the lifestyle.

With this way of life comes the freedom to use ‘what your mamma gave ya’, and boy have I been MAXIMISING.

NB INFO FOR MEN – There’s something AMAZING that happens within a woman, when she discovers a certain ‘self love’. A wave of ‘super woman’ rushes over us, and we’re more than keen to try all the daring and adventurous stuff that we’d once kept locked in our secret little chamber.

I’m young, beautiful, funny and charming, so surely I can allow myself to enjoy the playful banter and attention from the opposite sex? Aaaahhh flirting – the subtle dance of…? Now that’s the actual issue! 

It got me to thinking, why do we as woman, stop flirting once we’re in a committed relationship? We close off! We stop accepting the compliments and we dare not be friendly to the opposite sex. It’s an unspoken sense of guilt that flows over us.

Ever noticed how that fiery minx, you fell in love with, suddenly starts doubting herself? She becomes timid. Doesn’t dress as sexy anymore? Becomes more aware of her body flaws? I’m telling you! It’s because we stop the seductive game of flirting!

Yet, guys don’t…

Now before you think I’m generalizing, I did do my touch of investigating.

I asked a few guys their opinions on the subject. Basically around the context of flirting, what it means to them, and how they feel about flirting while dating someone.

First there’s flirting. The over the counter, friendly, dropping a sly hint here or there flash of a pure white smile, but never going to go any further than the drink you bought me flirting.

Then there’s Flirting. The suggestive hand on her hip, brush of her knee against yours all too deliberately, and finally groping and kissing Flirting.

Finally the FLIRTING – when all you need to decide is who’s place you’ll heading to when last rounds are called.

I’m relieved to say; mostly everyone loves the big ‘F’

But once again, lines and opinions are obscured.

Majority of the guys seem to think that flirting is harmless, and that you should never stop doing it. HOWEVER! When I asked how they’d feel about their other half flirting with another guy, they had to pause and rethink their original answer. While it might not apply to everyone, most guys said they would be jealous. Mmm…

I have honestly come to the finding, that flirting to an extent is very healthy.

I’m actually quite upset and disappointed that in the past I didn’t allow myself to carry on with the simple waltz. The steps are so simple! You can flirt, without it actually leading to anything more than giving that gentle ego boost.

The problem arises when you stop doing it, and expect your partner to do the same, even if they still crave that attention. Let’s face it, when your partner tells you, you look amazing, you sometimes feel like they HAVE to say it… when it comes from a complete stranger, you know there is truth behind the words.

If you are in a trusting partnership, then no amount of flirting could upset you, right?

NOW here is the snag.  Where do you draw the line?

DUH!!!

If you wouldn’t do it in front of your other half, then you sure as hell shouldn’t be doing it when they’re not there!

All I know is, I’ve charged up my flirt! Feels like I’m carrying a tazor, and I’m SO not afraid to test the wattage!

Of all the adverts Brandhouse have brought out with their “Drive Dry” campaign, this one has to be the best. At first it may seem like a lag but the more I saw this picture the more I shuddered at the thought of chilling in that cell for even 1 day. I think they hit the nail on the head with this one. If this picture isn’t enough, take a look at this one and think about it for it a second…

Basically… Don’t drink and drive…

Unless you want to hang out with those okes…

Okay, now that is just too much… Heavy days.

When we were younger we all had a fairly good idea of what we wanted to be when we grew up. It was a relatively simple decision based only on what we thought would make us the most happy- I mean take me for example. When I was younger I decided that the only way I would be happy at work was if I was to become a fighter jet pilot or the Care Bear with the rainbow on his tummy. Sadly to this day, I’ve never flown a jet or spread my love all over the nation (ok maybe I’ve done the latter, hehe).

The reason for me bringing this up is a conversation that I overheard on the weekend where a dad asked his normal looking son what he wanted to be when he grew up. This normal looking kid gave has dad what I considered to be a very “not normal” answer. His response went a little something like this: Dad I want to be a chartered accountant because people always need people to look after their money and that’s where I’ll earn a lot of money. No ninjas, no turtles not even a mention of a power ranger! When did money ever feature in a kid’s decision to do anything?

It kind of got me thinking- how many of the decisions we make today are influenced by money? Are you where you are because the money’s good? Now I do understand that you can’t survive on love and air alone, but surely we should always strive to do work that marries our passion with the desire to be a contributing member of society? If you think that being a fireman and saving kitties out of trees is going to give you the most job satisfaction, why not try giving it a go instead of sitting in your cubicle at work and passing the day by playing Farmville on Facebook (ps if you tell once more a about a sheep that needs a home I will remove you as a friend).

So yeah, I think from now I am going to look at my work life in the same way that I did when I was a kid and do something that makes me happy- except this time if I get a pea stuck up my nose, I’ll know the easiest way to get it out is to block one nostril and blow

I spent most of Saturday chilling out at MyCityByNight HQ with Kreg watching Western Province lose to the Bulls and Man United suck all the way to a 0-0 draw with Sunderland *sigh*

Thankfully my day improved with an invite from a super mooiness to come and join her and a friend for a drink at Buena Vista Social Cafe in Greenpoint. As I arrived on the scene, I was greeted by the said mooiness and her friend and what appeared to be a small army of empty Margarita glasses. Still in a great deal of pain from the Halo Live party the night before I decided to be avant-garde and order a cola tonic (without the lemonade because I was so hungover)- thankfully the waitor felt sorry for me, recognising my mistake in order and advised me that I should add the usual lemonade to avoid having to down a straight shot of cola tonic forcing a day long rush. The girls ordered more tequila infused drinks and continued to be very festive- hat wearing levels of festive… well almost.

After the drinks had arrived the mooiness (plural) noted that with my gracing of their presence, the drinks had become far less staunch and tasty… “Ahhh shit we’ve been cookie blocked” were their exact words if I can remember. You see as soon as another y chromosome is added to the mix guys feel the need to prove something- its inherent- thankfully we’ve evolved past peeing on things to mark our territory (well for the most part).

You see what happened is similar to the equivalent of the male “cock blocking” which involves a guy being denied a chance to get lucky by other dudes/girls/midgets, except it was regarding them using their feminine wiles to entice the male waitor into giving them better service and tastier drinks (although to be fair, they probably didnt need to do much coaxing). As soon as I arrived, the waitor acknowledged my presence and ceased to “mak the mooiness” with the previous vigour of the afternoon that preceeded… I effectively cookie blocked the mooiness (MY BAD!!!)

So what I wanted to know from the girls that read the site is… Do you mooiness ever get “cookie blocked” sexually by girl mates or other guys, thereby denying you a chance to score with a guy or girl (hey lesbos read this too!)? Or maybe you have a similar story to share… I’d love to know!

You all remember when you were a young little sprite and your folks got out the fluffy towel and proceeded to dry you behind the ears. At one point you would have asked them what the little dangly bit (or lack thereof) was called to which they more than likely would have responded with something subtle and non threatening like ”Ladybird” or “Willy”.

Partly due to the rather formal sounding and quite technical terms Vagina and Penis and a desire to be cutesy some people have decided to carry on the trend by naming their naughty bits. A portion of these peeps go the creative route and try to give their naughty bits a descriptive name relating to the fun derived from our reproductive organs- think hoo-hah, cookie and vajayjay while others go for more powerful names like Zeus, or the Enforcer.

Personally i’m not really a fan of pet-naming my body parts but I know that some of you out there must have some spectacular names for your naughty bits and will maybe be able to shed some light on one particular name that’s fairly popular around the Cape Flats and halls of CPUT… One name for boy bits that has always confused me, My Move. Yah. Never quite understood this one.

Now here’s what I’ve always wondered- as a girl would you be weirded out by some dude that whips it out and then says something like ”are you ready for Cliff Richard to Go on a Summer Holiday” -granted that common sense says this type of behaviour will generally ensure that you dont get any until Liezl van der Westhuizen does a good job of presenting (chances of this are slim to none).

Guys are generally quite a soul-less bunch when it comes to how we act in public. We do however have a basic set of prescribed rules to follow regardless of the situation in which we need to think about our actions (because we don’t often do this). The guy code is fairly extensive and thus for interest and ease I’ll only go over the basics with you all. The code, as with male interests can be divided into 3 main areas- beer, sport and mooiness.

BEER

First and foremost, every male should know never to order a pink drink unless it is by complete mistake due to misleading name like “hidden banana” or something.

If you are ever offered a communal shot at the bar by a fellow brother (especially if its of the Patron variety), you are not allowed to refuse it unless you are actually about to throw up, are driving for the night or are on fire (shots are generally quite flammable and wont help you much).

If you arrive at the fridge and there is only one of “said” beverage available, you must offer it to the host of the event first before consuming it yourself…

SPORT

If you are watching any form sport or alternatively Ninja warrior with a fellow guy and have made the trek over to the fridge for a new icy one- you must make an assessment of the room’s drink levels and provide a fresh coldy for anyone with less than half of their drink without question.

You will only ever be allowed to support the English football/Rugby/Women’s Beach Volley Ball team that your father does or alternatively despises with all his heart. This will ensure plenty of bonding time and an excuse for him to watch sport with you without having to explain himself (one for the team).

The latest episode of Shear Genius should never ever take preference over live sport… This is what PVR is for dammit.

You are allowed to become slightly emotional when the Champions League theme song comes on before a match and you have a cold Heineken in your hand… Oh and if Wayne Rooney ever scores again too…

MOOINESS

This is a very touchy subject. We all understand that good women are about as difficult to find as underwear that isn’t pink in Kreg’s closet, which is why at times this bit of the code is open to interpretation (much like the laws of rugby or the SA blog awards). You are not allowed to cock-block (say or do things that might jeopardize another dude’s chances of scoring) another guy unless he is direct competition for a mooiness that you are both interested in. And even in this instance it’s a bit a of shit thing to do.

You are never allowed to hook up with a guy mate’s ex unless he has given you permission for the basis of comparing notes and making fun of how terrible she is in bed. There are certain clauses involved with regards to non-girlfriends, but I’ll cover this topic at a later stage.

You are also required to lie for any male friend who needs an alibi to escape persecution from a mooiness (for the risk taken doing this, you are allowed to add in ridiculous details to the story when he hands the phone to you).

There we go… the basics of the guy code… Anything that I’ve left out???

Just the other day I was sitting back getting ready for a big night out at MyCityByNight headquarters when Luis’s Wife (one of our late night alumni that we’ve become friendly with over the past bit) while on the topic of general sluttiness, enquired whether there were actually any girls in the room at the time that I hadn’t actually kissed other than her… to which I unfortunately replied no. This got me wondering… Was this purely a coincidence and just an unfortunate turn of events? Was it because Cape Town was fairly small, making inevitable that you’d eventually end up locking lips with most people from your apartment block? Or have I *gasp* unwittingly become a full blown man slut…

Well to fully unpack this I would have to delve into the small matter of what society is referring to when they call somebody a man-slut. I just cant understand why we cant be all be sexist enough to know that when a guy hooks up with a lot of girls he is experienced, while if a female does the same thing they should be referred to as being the village bicycle or loose like a goose (snigger).

Hmm so what exactly IS a man-slut? Onwards to the source of most knowledge these days- Urban Dictionary and Wikipedia (haha, it is truly amazing that you can now reference these as a real argument supporter)…

According to THE INTERNET- a man-slut is loosely defined as:

In my opinion- the two people that most epitomize the man slut are the likes of That 70’s Show’s Kelso and 2 and a Half Men’s Charlie… And the only way to assess whether I was a man-slut would be to compare my own life and actions to that of these two fictional characters.

Lets start with Charlie…

Charlie Harper (Two and a Half Men)

Charles Francis “Charlie” Harper is the brother of Alan Harper and uncle to Alan’s son Jake Harper. After being expelled from Juilliard, Charlie began writing jingles for a living. His most famous composition is the Maple Loops song. Charlie then became a successful children’s music singer, with the alias “Charlie Waffles”, when the jingle business dried up.

Mr Harper- like me, enjoys a splash of Vodka with his Rice Krispies and has a monumental fear of long term commitment (right… not a very good start). Charlie prides himself on his bachelor lifestyle in Malibu and drives a Mercedes/Ferrari and formely a Jag. (I drive a Honda… that surely qualifies me for a pension of some sort and definately not man-slutdom?!)

His lifestyle consists of drinking excessively, smoking cigars, constant womanizing, a full-time housekeeper, gambling and wearing expensive shirts and shorts. Charlie sleeps in pretty much all the time, money “falls into his lap” and he lives a life of free spirited debauchery (Sho- they got me on everything except for the shorts thing- I have skinny legs and thus limit my shorts wearing to hot days only).

Even though Charlie usually never calls any of his girlfriends again after he’s done the nasty, there are a few relationships on the show that lasted longer than one night, notably with his neighbour Rose, but she is kinda stalkerish so it doesnt count. (I was once in this relationship that lasted 5 years and I’ll at least drop you a BB msg the next day for an ego-boosting “last night was awesome” as a common courtesy).

Alright things are looking good- thus far its looking like I’m only around 30% man-slut…my mother would be very proud.

Next up in this totally scientific method of quantifying man-slutdom is a look at the LEGENDARY Kelso…

Michael Kelso

Hmm, so it appears I have scored a perfectly defined and well-supported 50% on the man-slut scale… neither here nor there- maybe it’s not time to set up the revolving doors at the front of the bedroom just yet.

What I’d like to know is, does anyone actually care? I mean surely if you’ve managed to keep your STDs to nought then this is just a matter of “practice makes perfect”? It is about finding the balance between licking all of the different flavours of ice-cream in the deep freeze- and- going for what you think is your favourite, possibly missing out on the new extra yummy double choc sucker.

Eh… the confessions of a man slut. maybe.

Other than the facts that I like the sound of my own voice and that the moral highground is something that I enjoy perching my butt on from time to time- much of the reason for my advice posts on MyCityByNight stems from a desire to help all of you avoid unnecessary instances of corporate or relationship sabotage- I am probably the most giving only child you’ll ever meet. This time around, I figured that I’d give the treacherous terrain of end of year office parties/work functions a gander…

Spring has Sprung, which means that the end of the year is but a couple of months away for us here in the absolutely lovely Republic of South Africa. It also means that a great deal of you will be attending an end of year function in just over 2 months or so. The office party can be event of great success along with miserable career crippling failure. I am hoping that after reading this it’s definitely not going to be the latter…

Firstly, you must always attend the party unless you have a valid clash- like your arm has been cut off and your need to get to hospital to re-attach it. In no other circumstances would it be permitted to miss a valuable opportunity to network and further your career. When you do go- arrive early, everyone will be relatively sober and still serving up from a fresh barrel of jokes.

Next up find your boss/director. Thank him/her for a fantastic afternoon and the plethora of strippers and masseuses that they have so graciously provided to entertain you. Make the chat very brief and get on to shmoozing with others. Always keep your drink in your left hand so that if you do need to shake something, you don’t offer up a soaked couple of digits- the only time lube is bad.

Speaking of wetness and drinking- I recommend that unless you have developed a tolerance to alcohol similar to that of George Best or myself, that you go slightly easy on the drinking. If you’re in the mood to be sneaky- order a vodka, soda and fresh lime without the vodka and sip leisurely on this beverage for the night. If anyone happens to taste your drink- as does happen, they wont know the difference. Its just not cricket when you end up passing out underneath a table with a sparkler sticking out your arse…

Now onto the bit that I know all of you are thinking about- CAN YOU HOOK UP? Let me paint a picture for you-

One of the places that I worked at when I was just starting out my illustrious career had a staff party where the action started before everybody even got to the venue. This one marketing co-ordinator got fingered by one of the other more senior marketing ous while on the bus!! You don’t want to be either of these 2… it’s not the best for your career, or the seats of the bus. It’s generally not a good idea to hook up with co-workers at office parties or at all for that matter, but I know that sometimes- the excitement and allure of a colleague’s inner thigh becomes to too much to resist.

If you’re single like me and feel like dipping your pen in the company ink on the day- make sure that nobody else sees and that its somewhere secret- my personal opinion is that it should be a what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas type thing… Just get it out of your system and let that be that (Check me trying to put an advert out there, hehe). Also try and ensure that the person is not your subordinate or in the same department as you- its super awkward seeing somebody at work and explanining the contents of a graph the next day after they’ve seen the contents of your pants.

Last but not least- if you are drinking at all, rather just get a cab back from the venue… Its not worth drinking and driving and running the risk of getting busted- the office party is not the time to bugger up your work career by getting thrown in chookie.

Along with spending a night or 2 out on the town at Assembly for Fukkk Off and Fez for… well the usual Fez craziness that happens there- I had the opportunity to go for a little bit of breakfast with a mooiness who has been frequenting the top of the recently dialled list for the last bit.

Usually presenting myself as a fairly smooth guy with a cabinet full of “moves”, I thought I’d be more than capable of getting through a brunch without doing too much damage to chances of future instances of prolonged touching or my ego.

Anyways long story short- while eating I ended up getting a chilly flake in my eye (miraculous i know) after which I proceeded to cry like a baby- in serious pain from the chilly flake, which I ordered hot instead of mild (regretting this decision immensely).

K- granted I didnt get any immediate sympathy (unless you count uncontrollable laughter as a hug and pat on the back), I did get her to laugh and think of me as a guy who can lift her spirits even when half blind (just think what I could do with 20/20 vision).

So I was kinda thinking- maybe sometimes be a little less smooth… Maybe not every girl out there is searching for a “perfect guy” and vice-versa.

Everything was going right (like in those old Toyota ads) and you leaned in to end the night off with a movie-esque romantic kiss at her front door- except she turned and gave you side cheek- waap waap waaaaaaap.

Why oh why, you ask? Maybe you’re just not getting the signs that the other person is consciously and for the greater part sub-consciously throwing out at you. A successful date doesnt always mean ending up naked within a reasonable proximity of each other- and this is a guide offered up by me to try and plot how well things have gone.

The person remembers you.

Ok this one pained me somewhat to admit but it usually is a good sign when you dont have to explain who you are or where you met before asking if they want to grab a scone and a rooibos tea. Although when I don’t remember who you are it may just be purely because I was slightly (understatement) inebriated (on joy of course) at the time.  

The person remembered what time to be ready.

If the little social encounter is at all important to the person they shouldnt make you wait (longer than the granted “this is Cape Town time” ten minutes allowed). If you’re stuck playing with the dog (no not like that) for ages while waiting for her to get ready, you are probably not lined up for a cracker of a night.

They are looking yummy.

If the person has very clearly put some effort into how they look take this as a huge positive- the date is ALREADY going well! If they look anything like Amy Winehouse combined with Courtney Love or they answer the door with slippers, pjs and toothpaste on the pimples on their face, be vigilant… no be scared.

They make eye contact.

During the date if there is a reasonable amount of eye-contact, things are going swimmingly. Direct eye contact is a very personal thing, with the eyes being windows to the soul and stuff - if they are avoiding this they might not be keen on you or alternatively, lacking in sleep and unable to use their eye muscles to lift their gaze. Maybe. In the language of international flirting (yes indeedy I am an expert and cunning linguist) this is a cornerstone, as is touching or sharing parts of the meal.

They order medium-priced dishes.

If they go for the lobster and two bottles of the most expensive bubbly on the menu, you’ve cleary landed yourself a bit of a gold digger and nobody likes them- just ask Kanye West. Run!! This date is not going well for you.

You laugh together.

If you both have a similar sense of humour, you could also share a lot of other things as well- (haha). If they lag at your jokes (even if they’re not that good) this is a really good sign.

The come in for coffee and end up staying over for the night-er.

While getting an invitation to spend the night is not the be all and end all od date success, it is a reasonably good indication that the other person likes you. Whatever you do, just remember to always practice safe sex!! Even if the person mentions that they want to see you again, the date has gone very well and you’re on your way to love, or a bonk or whatever you are searching for.

I’ve been invited by my folks to go and see the brand new and apparently ridiculously funny Bafunny Bafunny comedy show at the Grand West Arena on Friday night featuring the best comedians that South Africa has to offer right now, with a little pre-dinner at the always fantastic Indian cuisine restaurant Bukhara. Thing is… they’ve told me to bring along a date.

Maybe its their attempt to get their boy, as they’ve termed it “a little bit of stability”… All its really done is caused me angst and worry about who to take.

You see what makes this type of evening endeavour different from a normal dinner (at least in my mind) is the fact that my parents are coming- meaning that if I do bring a girl along they’d be going on a “date” that would involve “meeting my parents”. EEEEK! Not they’re deformed or from the circus or anything… its just the connotation that I’ve come to associate to this over the years has been one of a move towards the pursuit of a relationship of somesort.

Now this what I want to know… Do girls indeed take “meeting the folks over a dinner” as an indication of a wanting to move into the relationship realm or am I just being over-analytic? Don’t get me wrong, the choices sitting at the front of my mind girl wise are all fantastic in the own special way and well worth sharing toothpaste with each offering something unique if I really had to think about it (which I havent. ha)… I’d just like to know what I’m getting myself into, when I choose a date for this Friday!

And just to add to the mix there’s the fact that I’m probably going scream like a little girl from laughter at the line-up’s crazy jokes and skits… Not very attractive at all. I think I may just take one of the guys instead.

Aaargh… damn you parents for having such good taste while being so cunning.

Nuff said…

hahahahahhahahaha…

(Thanks Jeremy)

Of late I have been having a little bit of trouble with basically everything that needs an electrical current to work.

The other day, my electronic gate tried to close on me while I was still driving and just yesterday I messed yoghurt all over myself and the kitchen while making a power smoothie in my blender (although that may have been due to me not putting the lid before hitting blend, oops). To add to my current hatred of machines, earlier today I was dissed by an ATM.

If any of you are current clients of ABSA Bank, you’ll probably be very familiar with the following scenario:

This morning I was in need of some hard cash to buy my special vanilla coffee beans from my Columbian supplier and thus had to visit an ATM. After the usual language selection I got to the screen where you have to select the amount that you would like to draw from your account- Now they did not have the amount I desired (a multiple of 50) as one of the options and instead only had absurd amounts like 260, 320 etc. So I naturally selected the choose other amount option and entered R350 as the amount… Next the ATM told me that this amount could not be issued (due to their lack of tens and fiftys I assume) and whether the amount of R340 would be acceptable.

I got really irritated as this amount is less than the one I originally asked for and so in an effort to stand up for my rights I hit the left hand “NO” key telling the ATM that I thought that this amount was NOT acceptable… Next thing this screen comes up and that says- thank you, have a nice day… No option to choose a bigger amount, nothing!!

Dammit… dissed by an ATM…

Brr. Its cold in here… there must be desperation in the atmosphere.

In the time since my ever so tragic break up from a long term relationship I have found myself experiencing a feeling that is a little hard to explain around once a year. Maybe it has got something to do with natural instinct but every year as the winter begins to role into town I find myself considering leaving the ever so entertaining bachelor’s lifestyle to settle down with a more permanent cuddle buddy for the lean months (I use this term loosely, as this is often the time most of put on some spare tyre).

Now whether the decision to shack up and hibernate for the winter, is an appealing one, depends heavily on your views of happiness. Some people dig a dvd under a blanky along with all of the things that come along with this (farts under the blanky being one of them). Other people don’t and would instead opt for a night out on the town burning the midnight oil getting to know the names of your favourite adult entertainers from the House of Rasputin (shout out to Misty).

Normally its one or the other but this year because of the FIFA World Cup taking place this year- the equation is a little different. Global warming (see what I did there?!) has had a profound effect on the normal winter routine and those hibernating for the upcoming months will do so at their own detriment- running the risk of missing out on having a solid carnival style time with the thousands of foreign fans arriving on our shores daily.

So if were up to me I don’t think that you should seek out a cuddle buddy for winter just because you think it’d be nice to have something to keep you warm- one of you will end up getting attached and it’ll be some sort of catastrophe culminating in your car being set on fire (we have all heard of these things happening before).

I know what I’ve decided to do… Have you?

Why is it whenever you tell somebody that you’ve lost something, the first question that they immediately ask you is- Do you remember where the last place you had it with you was?- I mean surely if I knew where that was then the said item wouldnt be classified as lost would it??!

In my mind its like pregnancy- either you’re pregnant or you’re not… either something’s lost or it isnt.

There are- as many things in life, different ways to approach finding the lost. Some may want to take the advice of the masses out there and think about the point at which you last remember having your keys.

Others may want to take my advice and think a little bit differently… Why not search for what you think that you’ve lost in the place where something of that nature is most likely to be. For example- check for those keys on the window sill next to the door. More often than not you’ll find what you’re looking for when you do eventually decide to go look there.

People like keys can also find themselves feeling lost in aspects of their lives from time to time (how’s that for a conflict of ideas), whether in work, relationships or life in general. Im just saying…

If you’re anything like me, you get bored very very quickly… In fact, you might already be bored, so let me get right to it.

I’ve decided to compile a comprehensive list of things to do if you are bored, divided into 3 categories: Things you can do with absolutely no props or aids, Things you can do with very little props or aids and lastly Things you can do with other people.

Things you can do with absolutely no props or aids

Make Star Trek door noises
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes, possibly a little more depending on reactions)

For best results stand by one of those automated doors at a shopping mall or wherever and make that awesome “Scccccccchwop” sound heard whenever people walked into the bridge of the Starship Enterprise to have Scotty beam them up… or down.

Blink like a crazy person and then close your eyes really tightly for an interesting and amusing light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)

See a variety of triangles, blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes or real world objects and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message (like telling your friends to join the MyCityByNight fanpage perhaps)

Use “The Force”
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)

Pick any random person you see and try to use your mind power to command them do something like trip, drop their shopping or vomit uncontrollably, just like a Jedi from Star Wars. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, thus allowing you to convince yourself that you really can perform Jedi Mind Tricks and waste even more time trying them out.

Try to not think about eels
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)

This one is especially tricky due to the fact that by trying really hard not to think about something, you actually remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. Also if you try too little, you end up thinking about eels anyway (double difficulty!).

Things you can do with very little props or aids

Watch TV, repeat everything said in a Spanish/Mexican accent similar to Antonia Bandaras
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)

Incredibly entertaining. Include flamboyant shoulder shrugs and crazy hand gestures for added impact- maybe even stick on a greasy ponytail too.

Pretend all humans on the planet will die except for those people in room with you
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)

This is especially fun to do when at work or in a shared office space. Unlike Survivor where the lame ones just get voted off, if this really happened the future of the race would be at stake based on this surving group. Consider things like who would be the leader, whether there would be rival factions within the group and of course who you would be willing to procreate with. The more thought given to the hypothetical situation the better.

Send spooky emails
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes, days even)

Look up someone’s CV on one of those job websites, do some research on them via Google/Facebook and then send them an email filled with personal references which you’ve found out. Claim to be an ex-work colleague who fell in love with their choice of perfume. Or something equally stalkerish.

Things you can do with other people

Have a “Who is less competitive” competition
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)

Attempts made to win at this competition will make you lose. Conversely trying to lose this contest makes you win, which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose, which makes you win, which ALSO… makes you lose.

Pick up your pooch so that it can see things from your perspective
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)

Look at it this way- your dog has only ever seen things from a viewpoint of around15 to 60 cm from the ground. For the most part, its never seen the top of your desk, what’s at the top of your cupboard etc. I think its a nice thing to do for your doggy and while you’re at you might even want to get down low and see things from its point of view too.

Shag
(Amusement Potential: ok im not even going down this road)

Generally fairly good for combating boredom… only problem is finding someone else equally as bored and willing to partake in some hanky panky as you.

BOREDOM BE GONE :)

Of late, amongst all my worries about the right amount of nutmeg shave over the top of my mash potatoes and my non excitement to learn the Diski Dance (i’m coming for you Zakumi) I have been living a rather awesome life thanks in part to MyCityByNight and all of your support! Im not exactly proclaiming to live the vacation or whatever that other blogger says but really things arent going so badly at the moment- and let me tell you something, it wasnt always like that.

This got me thinking… Is it possible for people to live a better life simply by using the digital world as a platform for growth?

I think yes, because technically, the only thing holding you back is you (and your internet connection speed). For example- Everyone has their God-given talent- although some of our talents arent so useful in living a better life (think about mimes- there’s only so much fulfilment/recognition that you can get from pretending to be trapped in a box on Youtube). The key is to find out what this talent is and then use it as a way of either enriching your life through making it your primary source of income (providing that this talent isnt NOT talking, *freakin’ mimes*) or as a hobby on the side.

BUT.

Not to sound like a full out Capitalist, I also think its important to remember one thing- why do something that you are good at for free??? Monetise… Build a brand (even if this brand is just YOURSELF)… monetise.

The technology driven and information rich world that we live in allows us to share ideas and learn like never before. You never know how people will react to your idea for dried fish nibble biscuits until you’ve put it out there on the web for all those Koreans to see…

So yeah,  I guess I just wanted to say- go on take a dip in the digital ocean, you might just find that there’s alot of interesting stuff below the surface.

Dont work harder- just work smarter.

In a manner similar to that when one is faced with a choice of local and foreign beer at any establishment barring those named after any royalty(King Edward the 3rd Tavern)- as we get closer to the World Cup you will be increasingly met by a choice between foreign and locally made options.

South African girls, I mean beer, is fantastic. There really isnt alot better than guzzling down a refreshing draught of some homebrewed goodness- one has to remember that this particular option is likely to bring more refreshment and more reward from consumption (on a roll here). 

Then there’s option two… the import beer, I mean girls, I mean beer. I’ve decided to just pick out a few of the more interesting country-brewed brands out there, to save half an internet tree (what you havent heard of the virtual Amazon rain forest?). Firstly there’s that Bud Light stuff from the good old USA- I often find these a little bit too bubbly for my pallette… read into that what you will. 

Next there are those good old South American brewed beers- often accompanied by a golden brown colour and sumptiously delicate structure (I’m still talking about beer). Personally, a good Corona always seems to satisfy my thirst. Last but not least there’s Guinness and the not so sunny and public violence mad country that it comes from… It might just be me but I think that often Guinness is just way, too, thick.

One last word of advice before you make your choice- try not to mix countries of origin directly after each other in one night- Germany and England in the same room almost always results in a World War (still talking about beer, and war, not girls).

One of the rather unfortunate parts about life is the fact that you will at some point need to sit in traffic. Whether its to work in the mornings or on your way to a Celine Dion concert, you will at some point in your existence on this bright blue and green earth have to endure moving at a snail’s pace towards your destination surrounded by other cars and people. So… Why not make it a slightly more pleasurable experience by indulging in a light spot of traffic flirting.

Now you can understand that this is not something that you jump into without a bit of a gameplan or at least know-how shared by your main man Ricky Bynight. The most basic rule of all is- DO NOT try and flirt with a girl if her mom is in the car with her- come to think about it, if she’s getting a lift somewhere with her mom she’s probably far too young for you anyways. Abiding by this rule will save you the ego-bruising antics of an angry mom purposefully switching to another lane to stop you from giving her daughter the “eyes”.

Speaking of which, this is a good place to start. If you happen to roll by a rather fit mooiness while in traffic, a good indication of someone keen to play, is a gaze held just long enough to see a glimpse of the soul. Now this is where things can go South- stare too long and she’ll think you’re weird- look away too soon and you’ll have lost the opportunity to drop a little smile, hopefully getting one in return thus paving the way for a beautiful interaction. Slightly less tricky is a car full of girls- they’re generally more willing to indulge a bit of naughty flirting spurred on by the estrogen of their fellow passengers and the need to procreate…

So… You’ve made eye contact, maybe even got a little smile in return- now comes the important part, moving it beyond the glass separating you from adding yet another person as a Facebook friend. There is a particular approach that has worked fantastically for me in the past- even as recently as this morning- you know who you are. First of all roll your window down slightly and try and mouth out something arb about the weather or life, but nothing that could be misinterpreted as you saying anything about sausage- eg “I’d like to take you hostage”- wait, actually you shouldn’t be saying that either. If you’re lucky she’ll follow your lead and roll down her window, intrigued by what you have to say. Choose carefully though- if she doesn’t have electric windows as standard in her car, you are more than likely setting yourself up for a fail- she’s not liable to lean all the way over to use the passenger window winder to chat to some strange guy.

If you’ve got them to roll down the window you must now work very quickly as you might not be next door to them for too much longer- traffic is often unbalanced like that. So maybe drop something like- “I normally don’t do this but, considering that this traffic is going absolutely nowhere, I might as well chat to you.” Either the said mooiness will lag (laugh) and continue the convo (ask questions about where she’s off to & whether she travels this way every morning etc) OR you’ll get shot down and plummet back to earth in flames.

If its going well, push on for the digits but otherwise play it cool and wait till the next time you catch her in traffic to start up another convo and get her number… Your encounter will be a super sick ice-breaker when you do eventually meet up and if things work out you’ll have a nice story to tell your kiddies about how you first met.

Don’t be scared to do it, either it’ll work out perfectly or some random person will think you’re a bit odd, just remember, its not about the car that you are in, although it doesn’t hurt being in an Aston Martin instead of an Uno fire when engaging in a bit of a traffic flirt.

1. What’s the most venomous snake in the world?

“The Fierce Snake” (I promise), which is found in the Australian Outback. A single male snake contains enough venom to kill a quarter of a million mice. Personally I don’t quite understand the point in having the power to kill all those mice even though the snake will never eat close to that many in its lifetime. I mean Julius Malema has a few billion brain cells and… wait a minute… never mind.

2. Could Jurassic Park happen?

No, don’t be stupid, that’s an absolutely ridiculous, next question.

3. Why are dogs years worth 7 Human years?

This is because dogs have a different metabolic rate to that of humans. Their cells multiply and decay at different rates to humans, hence the conversion.

4. Why do dogs lick their testicles?

The rather obvious answer is “because they can”.

5. What’s the quickest way of locating your lost (or hiding) girlfriend in a supermarket?

Well, statistically speaking, you should head to the exit and wait. Or if you are like us over here at MyCityByNight, you can just wonder around Pick & Pay carrying the box of Tampax super absorbers and the pink Gilette Ladyshave with the moisturising bar at the end that she asked you to go and get.

MCBN- Right, so the time has finally come for Aunt Muriel to dish out some advice to all those of you plagued by the troubles of everyday life… What Kreg and I have done, is selected 3 of the most “relevant & pressing” issues sent through to our inbox that we think MyCityByNight’s very own agony aunt will be able to help with- and let us just say one thing… You guys and girls are seriously weird.

Wedding Woe asked- “My boyfriend recently proposed to me and I accepted because I’m madly in love with him… The trouble is I absolutely HATE the ring he’s got me. Aunt Muriel, do you think I can tell him that I think its kak? Will he be crushed? I mean I’ve got to wear this on my finger until we get married and he hopefully gets me something less hideous.”

Aunt Muriel- 

But darling, do you actually want to marry a man who has such terrible taste in the first place? I mean, he didnt even have the intelligence to ask your BFF what you would like? I honestly shudder to think what the clothes he wears look like… Do you maybe buy them for him? If you absolutely must marry this man then for goodness sake be honest about the ring, you can’t wear a monstrosity on your finger day in and day out, it will exhaust you and eventually you’ll end up murdering him with a spoon.

Bored Betty asked- “I am bored with my current boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, he’s lovely, caring and very sweet, but sometimes I want him to be a bit more badass and maybe rip my clothes off and shake me around a bit, while im cooking dinner. Should I maybe get myself a bad boy instead or would that just be adding to the adage that nice guys always finish last?”

Aunt Muriel-

First of all, what you’re wanting sounds a bit like domestic violence to me- us girls often do enjoy a man who’s strong and knows what he wants, much like the pirate who deflowers the princess and asks questions later… but from my experience it’s the bad boys that finish FIRST…usually after 30 seconds or so… Most women are lucky to have a ‘lovely, caring and very sweet’ man, who’s worst quality is being a bit boring and not constant farting, cheating and an addiction to the sex services of prostitutes. I think you should let him find someone who appreciates him, bitch.

Pearls of Wisdom asked- “Pearls of wisdom… Do you have any for me Aunt Muriel?”

Aunt Muriel-

Ooh do I… My several years on this earth have taught me many important things…

Always wipe downwards and away from the body rather than up and towards. (I learnt that one from an all too bitter experience.)

Go to the toilet before a long car journey.

Don’t eat yellow snow.

Think once, think twice, think don’t drive your car on the pavement.

And lastly I’d like to leave you with this thought- If a man says something, and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong? (Sorry Kreg and Ricky)

MCBN- Thanks so much for that valuable input Aunt Muriel, I’m sure everyone learnt something… To all of you readers out there- keep those problems coming (just remember to let us know that its for Aunt Muriel, otherwise we’ll just think you’re weird)