Stroobz’s Guide to Sex at Outdoor Parties

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The outdoor music festival has historically not been one of the corner-stones of romance. Cupid’s arrow has, for many years, been shielded by dirt covered feet, trance music with the lyrics “I want your soul” and 80% of the partygoers’ pupils being the size of mag-wheels. The famous mantra of “18 MDMAs hath not a grand erection make”, has rung true since the dawn of time immemorial. It is an age where free love is seeing a revival and a joyous union between boy and girl, girl and girl, boy and boy, boy and erotic looking tent bag at 5am in the morning. The reality is that even in a substance fuelled frenzy, the throngs of passion bear too much weight for mere horny mortals to ignore, and as such are increasingly finding themselves in compromising and embarrassing positions. But have no fear, you sexually adamant little dick heathens, we have engaged in research, interviews, personal experiences and hours of tireless math to bring you a guide on how to perfectly execute hippy-coitus at any future outdoor rave/rock-concert/historical non-orgy.

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 Firstly: find shelter. The perceived romance of love making next to a babbling brook, with eagles soaring above while you feed each other strawberries, is a misnomer. Chances are, its rocky terrain, you’re next to a bunch of strangers who are not as enchanted with the act as you are, and the skin on your knees will evacuate your body. And as knee skin is a valuable commodity during summer months, find a tented structure with a mattress, or at least the back seat of a Polo Vivo. This will hide your sin from fellow patrons and keep security guards off your tail… so to speak. Now this may seem logical, but your shelter choice plays a pivotal role in successful execution of the act. Densely populated tented enclosures require a modicum of tact when making love howls. Due to the ease of which sound travels, and the anonymity that such an environment provides, loud proclamations such as “Oh God!” can often be met with responses such as “Yes, my child?” and a resultant laughter from the surrounding crowd may dampen the mood. Always ensure it is your tent, no one likes to go home to two hippies frolicking amongst their wares. And never, and I truly mean never, heavy pet on the dance floor, unless you’re listening to Dubstep, then no one will notice.

Secondly: Rinse. The dirt and grime picked up during an event is not only unhygienic, but completely unsexy. There is an old adage that says “How do you know if a guy has come right at Oppikoppi? His fingers are clean.” Without detailing the implication of the previous prose, one may deduce that a variety of germs have been exchanged. The intimate nature of skin-on-skin friction is largely eradicated when mud is clinging to foot-scabs picked up pre-love making. A simple shower, swim or splash can provide the cleanse needed to take your party all the way from a mushy stomp, to a squishy pomp.

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Don’t bone if you’re off the deep end. Many an LC has been fuelled by the day-after’s Facebook stalk as to whom you got down with at an event, only to realise the swamp demon’s face looking wryly back at you from her profile pic was not the image of perfection you remember. Substances can have a large effect on your cognitive ability to recognize beauty, whether it be on an internal or external level. Classic beer goggles become full beer helmets at outdoor gatherings, so ensure that if you do have enough courage to get freaky at a party; that it’s not from the Dutch.

While a successful copulation at a party is a tricky beast to tame, it does not exceed the realm of possibility. At MyCityByNight we have witnessed multiple failures over the years, but have heard of many successful attempts as well. The key is strategy. Plan well in advance. This is not something that should be done on a whim; there is just too much margin for error. But through focus, determination and a reliance on our guidelines, your dreams can be realised. Unless you’re lank into dubstep, then you’re pretty much fucked from the get-go.

~Stroob~

*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he follows up with his guide to sex in shopping malls, as well as the Kama Sutra for cats.

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5 Comments

  1. Glenn says:

    The layout of this page is screwed

  2. Woevs says:

    Sroobz, you’re one funny dude. “Substances can have a large effect on your cognitive ability to recognize beauty, whether it be on an internal or external level.” – Such. A, Boy. But, funny.

  3. Hafu the horrible says:

    Hilarious!I hope Rat boy reads this and learns something!

  4. Deon Fialkov says:

    Love this …

    “80% of the partygoers’ pupils being the size of mag-wheels. ”

    Don’t forget that some love talking to trees …

    Last time I ended up flirting with some girl who told me that she was “in relationship” …

    I asked “where is your boyfriend?”

    She pointed to some oak-tree …

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