Lady Gaga is a Satanic Sewer Demon

For years I was convinced that Lady Gaga was a man; the distinct jaw line, the muscular features, the penis, it all seemed to add up. The Caster Semenya of the MTV domain, this pop icon rose to musical oligarchy with wretched tunes that imprisoned themselves in the mind and forced us, as discerning adults, to denounce the day she was born. However, her songs did inspire otherwise prudish women, while under the vile influence of narcotics, to have an “Oh my god this is my song, bitches” moment and subsequently make-out with aesthetically cursed males. So on behalf of all ugly dudes (who strangely look a lot like you), thank you Lady Gaga. But my dislike for her music and her chin beard aside, there is no doubt that she has risen beyond any normal performing artist of the last few years. Dare I call her the Madonna of the modern era? Except without the frog carcass as a vagina (See aforementioned penis). It’s clear that I am not a huge fan, nor will I be forking out the weekly minimum wage for a standing ticket for her upcoming Cape Town tour. But I do genuinely appreciate her flamboyance, her bizarre take on fashion and general appreciation for the macabre and unusual. Shes fucking cooked, but in a nice warm “I’m so glad you aren’t N’Sync” kinda way. And what do you get if you aren’t the clean-cut rosy Jonas Brother your Catholic grandma wouldn’t approve of? Satan. Duh.

There is no doubt that Gaga has a twisted understanding of modern culture. Everyone knows the infamous meat dress, the cat suit made of leather and spikes, and her pierced uterus, but her eccentricities have never led any rationally cognizant individual to believe she kneeled in the church of Lucipher. But then a bunch of over-zealous puritans came to wee on the fire of “Mother Monster”. What first started as a pretty understandable cancellation of a series of shows in the Middle East (let’s face it; even Malva pudding and Two and a Half Men is banned in Pakistan), grew to the notion that she was indeed a practising Satanist, and the rumour began to catch on like a hellish wildfire. But although there have been Facebook groups and even government petitions insistent that she is the catalyst for moral decay, the only substantial piece of evidence I could find was on projectinspired.com where they say “If she had Jesus in her heart, then she wouldn’t act this way”. Lord help us all.

Shes had a history of drug use and depression that she has courageously overcome. Shes not denying it, it has become an embrace; a lesson to her adoring young fans. We can all hug and pretend we don’t see Egypt, Ireland and Syrian conflicts as a representation of what modern day Christianity has leant itself towards, yet its easier to blame societal rot on a bit of remorseful cocaine use in the past. Plus Robert Downey Junior did it, and he’s the fucking Ironman.

Yes, shes bathed in blood on stage. A symbolism for re-birth perhaps? Or a celebration of ritual cat-sacrifice to the devil? There is no cut and paste answer. But in a world where intolerance is slowly becoming the hindering factor in human evolution, should hyper-religious folk not have a more pressing issue to attend to? Like famine? Or disease? Or why 98% of society’s stomach drops every time we see a Catholic Priest high-five a third grader? She has openly said she believes in a Christian God and is just open to non conventional spiritual ideologies. Why be so tunnel-visioned in our approach to spirituality? Im not saying Ramstein should be free to perform in Bethlehem, but enforcing your personal views so that she isn’t given a platform to perform in a multi-cultural society like in South Africa; is flat out bigoted. I’m almost scared to tell people I have a shrine to a three headed Lizard Deity that eternally burns in my closet, because then maybe my Banjo Metal band won’t make it.

~Stroob~

*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he is hunted by the Catholic church, and puts an 8 year old into a sun bed.

PS: See the local petition to ban the Gaga concert here: (click here TO BE AMAZED)

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