Is Jacob Zuma a Gangster Rapper??
I swear Jacob Zuma was a blinged-up gangster rapper before he became our president. I can imagine him grabbing his balls and pouring $300 champagne all over the floor to Mshimi Wami, with Akon on back-up vocals. He’s been arrested more times than Snoop Dogg, loves money more than Mr-T and has the credibility of Lil-Wayne at a cocaine convention. And with his recent purchase of a 65 million rand pad in Nkandla, funded by yours truly; the taxpayers, he has a house that could have its own prime-time special on Cribs. All he needs now is to cap a hooker and he will be the incarnation of Jay-Z himself, with slightly less rhythm. But ill-MC’s and Def-Jam Record deals aside; he has now officially over-stepped the mark. He recently claimed his fifth wife, this polygamist assault on any moral foundation was thinly veiled behind a blanket of “culture and tradition”. Something that appears to alter in his favour whenever it comes into question. “It’s the Zulu heritage” was the excuse that came bellowing from the mouths of fellow ANC stalwarts, as they stirred their gin and juice in the backseat of their newly acquired “fly-rides”. And while I choose to sometimes broach the topic of what I like to call “forward-thinking misogyny” even I think that being married to multiple women is one of the more disrespectful things you can perpetrate against the female race. Either that, or just the sheer nerve that he can be “tapping them bitches and ho’s” and I can’t. The law applies to him, and not me (something that’s happened on numerous occasions with our almighty Msholozi). Bill Clinton famously stood up and proclaimed “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” and even though he was proven to be the Judas of America during the 90’s, I would rather that then our leader openly proclaiming “I had sexual relations with…” and then slamming a telephone directory sized book on the table, squeezing out a wry smile and getting a low-five from Julius Malema in appreciation. With our country being as AIDS ridden as it currently is, surely its time to abandon the ghetto pimpin… I mean culturally historic lifestyle and embrace a modern ethos from which your nation should live by?
But on a practical level Jacob and his Wu-Tang clan of adulterous misfits aren’t the only indulgers in this cess-pool of political incorrectness. All over the globe polygamy is cherished in various cultural abundances. So if you do choose to wed an array of feminists with the self esteem of a 75 kilogram fourth grader in a Speedo, then there are countries where like-minded individuals will welcome you with open arms. Honeymoon orgy participants of the world unite as we take a look into the scandalous destinations where you can celebrate your “special day”. First off I hear Somalia is great this time of year, just don’t try arrive by boat. If you manage to circumnavigate the high-seas where Davey Jones now owns a RPG Assault rifle, then there’s a lawless country still reeling from decades of civil war. There are as many tangible laws as starving orphans, but they’re in full support of multiple spouses so ho-ho-ho and a bottle of rum, or R2500 Johnnie Walker Blue Label if JZ’s ceremony is anything to go by. Not into pirate life in a country with only 12 total divorce attorneys? Well then travel to the glorious state of Iran and help enrich some radio-active weapons grade plutonium, because simply exchanging rings is becoming so terribly passé. Theres no limit to the amount of women a man can wed in Iran, so place an order for a 24-pack of mail order brides and go ape shit. Do you think you get a discount for bulk orders? Apparently its 15% for a case of Russians. But if your loved ones aren’t partial to only showing the slits of their eyes in public, then head to Palestine; the global Mecca for polygamist honeymooners. It’s definitely an adventure holiday, dodging Israeli bombers and knife wielding villagers is sure to get the adrenaline flying. But I hear the humus is just great! The military regime of Myanmar doesn’t allow for free speech, freedom of religion or association, but hot damn can they do weddings! Even the head of the military Junta has a couple wyfies stashed in his palatial mansion. Probably the country with the most stringent laws on the planet, but you might as well be playing scrambles with marriage proposals because you aren’t confined to just that special someONE. So never fear Jacob, if the extravagance of your Zulu homeland ever gets too much, there are other countries waiting to service your vivacious matrimonial appetite.
Besides the excessive amount of cattle that is slaughtered every time Jacob says his vows, I have an issue with him hiding behind cultural values as an excuse for legally validated adultery. Sure its Zulu heritage that they’ve been practising since King Shaka was napalming the San people, but when did they start getting divorced? In the late 90’s our lover-boy president decided to part ways with his first wife Nokosazana Dlamini-Zuma. Even Google couldn’t tell me how many Goats were sacrificed for this event. Since there’s no word for hermaphrodite in Pedi, I wonder if theres one for “pre-nup?” Either way how can you have your cake and eat it? Have as many as women you like, because your ancestors have been doing it for thousands of years, but then choose to be “modern” as soon as the bitch decides she wants to leave the kitchen? And on the note of violent hypocrisy, you have to love the traditional attire Zuma wore to his ceremony, buck hides, leopard tails, Nike Air Jordans… Sorry what? Here’s this combination of West vs. Africa again. You cant vehemently oppose the one, but then use all the parts that suite you.
A couple of weeks ago JZ announced he’d slungshot his seed into his close friend Irvin Khoza’s daughter and now another lightie is going to share in the myriad of father issues at least 20 other kids currently experience. The country sat aghast as our eminent leader poo-pooed the situation, but even his most fervent supporters weren’t buying his treasure trove of excuses. The ball had finally dropped, which seems a rather fitting idiom when referring to our Comrade Zuma. With the 2014 elections just round the corner, is he planning to breed a support base for re-election? Defending his actions, that make Jenna Jameson sound like a nun selling purity rings, he has now called for a “National moral debate”, does anyone else think thats like Stephen Hawking giving high-jump lessons? At least there is little doubt that he’s packing a 12 inch behemoth boa constrictor under those loin cloths, because god forbid he falls foul of any African stereotype. This week he touched down in Britain, and while Gordon Brown was quick on the scene, eager for advice on how to use the Royal four-poster bed to its full potential, the media was anything but welcoming. The Daily Mirror called him a “former goatherder” who “defends his rights to several Mrs Zumas” and wrote a scathing article belittling his reason for visit. Is this really the best ambassador for our country?
Well Jacob, you may have children with 9 separate women in a country where over-population is a huge contributor to extreme poverty. You may have 3 wives, one divorce and one that committed suicide for reasons someone as scandalous as me wont even get into. You may have slept with tens if not hundreds of women while being “married” and set an example for all men in a culture where women are still down-trodden by their male oppressors. And you may have done all of this with money contributed by genuinely hard working South Africans. But you’re still a role model. Not mine, and I hope no logical thinking human being’s role model. But for some unknown reason people still look up to you. So the next time you got the lights turned down low, the candles burning and some sexy Barry White assisting you in your seduction of your 157th wife just think of the example you’re making to the kids of our struggling country. Finally a question that has flummoxed me throughout the writing of this article. If he has three wives, who lovingly dote on him 24/7; is a four-way legit? Booyah!
~Stroob~
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