HQ #ComedyNight Competition

HQ-Comedy-Timeline-Cover-Martin-Davis

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Headquarters (HQ) comedy night round 4! Wednesday 17 July 2013 the sophisticated urban hotspot will host a night of good food, good spirits and plenty of giggles. The elegant steakhouse-come-bar have made no bones about the fact they offer the best steak experience in town; and now they’ve added tickling your funny bone to their list of accomplishments.

The night will be hosted by premier comedian, Martin Davis, and he’ll be accompanied by headliner Siv Ngesi and middle man Schalk Bezuidenhout. Often you will find Martin Davis billed as a UK comic, which implies he is only an occasional visitor to South Africa. He is however a regular here. He is a highly accomplished comedian on both sides of the world, and South Africa can consider itself lucky to have someone of his caliber appearing on our stages as regularly as he does.

When it comes to his set, it is not really the jokes that make it special, it’s the way he conducts the crowd to his crazy, highly energetic and slightly manic tune. His heavy cockney accent only enhances his wicked wit and his way with people. When one hears the one-liners he comes up with to dismiss a heckler or an errant waiter who wonders through his stage. In the end it’s his absolutely unique way with a crowd, combined with his wicked wit and razor sharp ability to understand and handle people that makes his set.

The entertainment will take place in the bar area; think exposed heritage brick walls, moody lighting, and leather seating. Cocktails, wine and premium spirits will be on offer, paired with new and delicious tapas from the bar menu. Just picture the scene: outside it’s wintery cold, while inside you’re snug in Cape Town’s iconic Heritage Square, smashing red wine and delectable bar snacks. The word on the street is that this comedy night will also be accompanied by a set three course meal and Grants Whisky tasting, taking place before the giggles.

If you really want to make a night out of it —book a table for dinner beforehand and try HQ’s award winning sirloin steak that comes served simply with their signature Café de Paris butter, and thinly cut fries, with a classic salad to start. The three-course meal and pairing is valued at R200.

The dinner will commence at 7pm followed by the comedy show at 8:30pm. HQ has just given us a reason to love winter. Call 021 424 6373 to make a reservation.

 Competition Time:

The give-away includes:
 
- 1 x double tickets (2 people in total)
- Each receives a 3 course meal and Grant’s Whiskey pairing (tasting)
- Followed by the comedy
Simply comment below with your funniest joke and you stand of a chance of winning this awesome prize!
Winners announced on 16th of July!
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52 Comments

  1. Jade says:

    What do you call a tick on a gate?
    ….
    Hectic.
    LOL
    *boring joke*

  2. Ida says:

    Klop klop
    Wie’s daar?
    Ancho
    Ancho Wie?
    Ooooh…. Aaaaaagh

    :p

  3. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop,hahahahah. That gets me everytime.

  4. Nick says:

    A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, “Answer just this one question for me.”

    She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, “You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer’s excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps…why is that?”

    His wife says, “I don’t know.”
    He replies, “Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it’s obvious you don’t know sh*t?”

  5. Ricardo Dudley says:

    There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window. The second guy bit into a lemon, thought it was too sour, threw it out the window. The third guy bit into a grenade, thought it was too crunchy and threw it out the window.
    When the plane landed, they got off and saw a lil girl crying. they ask, “lil girl, why are u crying?” She says, ” An apple fell out of the sky and hit my cow on the head and now he’s dead.” Then the men see a lil boy crying. The men ask, “lil boy, why are u crying?” The lil boy says,” A lemon fell out of the sky and hit my dog on the head and now she’s dead” The men keep walking until they find a blond woman laughing histarically. They ask,” woman, why are u laughing so histarically?” She says,”I just farted and that building blew up”

  6. Ricardo Dudley says:

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

  7. Ricardo Dudley says:

    On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” Peter replied “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.” After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”. And Peter just sat there… On the couch… Naked!

  8. Ricardo Dudley says:

    A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?” The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

  9. Braam says:

    n Boer (Piet) sit die middag op sy stoep en drink n koffie, terwyl hy so n trek van sy pyp vat sien hy n wit bakkie met die Waterweese se teken op die deure aangery kom. toe die bakkie stop stap die boer nader om te groet. Piet stel hom voor en Sipho van water weese groet ook. Waarmee kan ek help vra Piet, Sipho se hy is hier om te kyk of al die gronde se water pype reg is. Piet se dis 100% gaan voort, maar asseblief om ni op die stuk grond lanks die Windpop te gaan aleen nie. Sipho se toe maar MNR sien jy die kaart en hy haal n waterweese kaarkie uit, met die kaart kan ek gaan net waar ek wil, en hy stap in die verte in. So half uur later hoor Piet net n gegil en geskree, MNR!!! MNR!!! HELP!!!! Piet kyk so om die muur en sien hoe die Groot bull vir Sipho agterna sit oor die gronde. Piet Skree… Jou Kaart wys hom jou kaart.

  10. Busisiwe says:

    What do you call a nun on a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

  11. Amy Biggs says:

    A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

    The guy replies, “Well I’ve got these two horses and I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”

    The bartender suggests, “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

    The guy says, “That sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”

    A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. “I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”

    The bartender says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane?”

    A few months later the guy is back. “I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!”

    The bartender yells, “Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!” The guy storms out of the bar.

    The next day, the guy runs into the bar. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

  12. Amy Biggs says:

    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can’t help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
    “Well,” says Bubba, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
    The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, “Bubba? Is that you?”

  13. Amy Biggs says:

    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”

    The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”

    The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

  14. Amy Biggs says:

    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”

    The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”

    The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

    The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

  15. Amy Biggs says:

    A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”

    The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”

    Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”

    Confused, the bartender says no.

    “Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”

  16. Amy Biggs says:

    For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.

    He says, “I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out.”

    “Well, what do you think today?”

    He says, “I think I did a good job.”

  17. Amy Biggs says:

    Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

    A: The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

  18. Ricardo Dudley says:

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

  19. Amy Biggs says:

    A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    “What’s up?” he asks.

    “I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet, and he’s got no clothes on!”

    He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

    “You bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack, and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

  20. Amy Biggs says:

    A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

    “That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.

    “No, Mom, down underneath.”

    His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

    The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

    The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

    “Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

    The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

  21. Amy Biggs says:

    A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
    His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
    I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
    As soon as I finished milkin” him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
    As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!

  22. Amy Biggs says:

    Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom?
    They have to blow dry—and there’s nothing to shake.

  23. Amy Biggs says:

    One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she’s going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
    ”Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way ’round the back. There was a box near the front doorthat said ‘For the Sick.”’

  24. Amy Biggs says:

    Wilfred had just learned his abc’s and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
    “ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.”
    “Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where’s the P?
    “It’s running down my leg.”

  25. Amy Biggs says:

    There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t come out.
    So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
    The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.
    The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
    The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
    The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
    The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
    The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ”If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”
    The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
    The doctor anxiously asked, ”Well, did it work?”
    The messenger boy says, ”Big fart, no chief!”

  26. Ricardo Dudley says:

    A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
    “I’m going down to give blood.”
    “How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
    “About $20.”
    “Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
    The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
    “Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”
    “Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.

  27. Amy Biggs says:

    Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tiles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
    “I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”
    “What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”
    “What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”

  28. Amy Biggs says:

    An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
    The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
    The teller said, “Fluctuations.”
    The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

  29. Amy Biggs says:

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”

    The man replies, “This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you’ll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.”

    The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

    “Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?”

    The man replies, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 7 years.”

  30. Amy Biggs says:

    Q: Why was the guy so downhearted after his midget girlfriend dumped him?

    A: Because he was nuts over her.

  31. Amy Biggs says:

    While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

    “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” says the mortician, “But I can’t send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

    The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

    “Oh my God!” she screams, “Schwartz is dead!”

  32. Vanessa says:

    Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex?

    A: They’re both very rare. Har Harrrr :-D

  33. Vanessa says:

    Ooooh weeee! Amy Biggs sure wants that free steak! Hahaha!!!

  34. Amy Biggs says:

    Why was the Blonde’s bellybutton bruised?
    Her husband was a blonde too!

  35. Amy Biggs says:

    A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.

    “Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

    “Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”

    “That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”

  36. Amy Biggs says:

    There’s a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor’s convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they’re sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
    After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
    ”Sure,” the woman says. ”Let me go wash my hands first.”
    After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
    This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ”You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.”
    Angry at this remark, the woman says, ”Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn’t feel a thing!”

  37. Amy Biggs says:

    There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
    One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
    The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
    The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store…because he spoke English.

  38. Amy Biggs says:

    A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband’s best friend.

    They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    “Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

    “Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

  39. Harvey says:

    Yo Mama is soo fat, she comes from both sides of the family :)

  40. Harvey says:

    Namakwaland Joke:
    1 day a teacher walked into a classroom and said- vandag moet julle n sin maak met die word “sekonde”

    Jannie jumps up and says : teacher, my Ma se, die meisies moet nie net onder hulle blaie vas noe, maar ook hulle “sekonde” Oo

  41. Tamara says:

    Q : What do you call a cow with no front legs?
    A: Lean Beef

    Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
    A: Ground beef

    Funny and appropraite ;)

  42. tamara says:

    Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
    A: Lean Beef

    Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
    A: Ground beef

  43. In keeping with the Whisky theme:

    I drink Whisky mixed with Windolene everyday, I wake up with a moerse babelas but my vision is clearer than ever!!!!

  44. Audrey Nortje says:

    Guy with bad stutter applies for job @ Bible association, they took pity on him, did the christian thing & appoints him as door-to-door Bible salesman, he manages to sell more in a week than others manage in a year, @ the monthly sales meeting they wanted to know his secret, He explains: “I knnnnOck aaand aaaSK, Dddo .AaaI hhhave tttto rrrread or wwwiil U bbbbuy a BBBBible!!

  45. Amy Biggs says:

    Yo mama so short, you can see her feet on her ID photo.

  46. Amy Biggs says:

    Wife: what is 10 years with me?
    Husband: A second.

    Wife: what is $1000 for me?
    Husband: A coin.

    Wife: ok give me a coin.
    Husband: Wait a second.

  47. Audrey says:

    Koos from Brakpan decides to sell his horses and move to Pretoria. a Wealthy English gentleman was interested in buying one specific horse. but Koos replies: “No, it does not look good” the gentleman says:”It looks fine to me” Koos insisted that it does not look good, but the gentleman paid for the horse and left. Next day he comes back furious. “YOu sold me a blind horse!” he exclaims to which Koos replies: “I told you it does not look good”

  48. Amy Biggs says:

    ‘n man kom in die public toilet, sit toe en agter op die deur is geskryf “kyk na jou linkerkant” aan die linkerkant is geskryf “kyk na jou regterkant” aan die regterkant is geskryf “kyk agter jou” stadig draai hy om en agter is geskryf “Hou op rond kyk n KAK kla”

  49. Amy Biggs says:

    n Pa loop verby sy seun se kamer en tot sy verbasing sien hy die bed is netjies opgemaak. Hy sien n koevert op die kussing, gerig aan “PA”.
    Liewe Pa
    dis met groot verdriet dat ek hierdie brief skryf Ekt weggeloop saam met my meisie Lisa, omdat ek nie met jou en ma wou rusie maak nie. Ek en Lisa het ware passie ontdek, sys so oulik. Ek weet julle keur haar nie goed, omdat daar so… baie ringe deur… haar lippe, neus en baie ander plekker is. En sy is n volle 5jr ouer as ek. Maar is nie net verliefgeit nie, pa sy is swanger. Ons wil sommer nog baie kinders he. Lisa se ons sal baie gelukkig wees. Sy het n woonwa wat iewers in ‘n bos staan en daar is n hele hoop vuurmaakhout vir die winter. Lisa het my ook geleer dat dagga nie net sleg is nie. Ons gaan sommer self n bietjie daarvan in die bos kweek en dit aan die ander mense verkoop. Dan kan ons met daardie geld duurder drugs koop.
    Intussen hoop en bid ons dat die wetenskap n kuur vir vigs vind sodat Lisa gesond kan raak. Moenie bekommerd wees nie pa eks darem al 15 en kan na myself kyk. Ontspan en geniet die kleinkinders wat nog kom. Liefde jou seun Pieter. PS PA NIKS HIERVAN IS WAAR NIE EK IS BY JANNIE, WOU NET VIR PA HERINNER DAAR IS BAIE ERGER DINGE AS N SWAK RAPPORT (dis onder my kussing), laat weet maar as dit veilig is om huis toe te kom!

  50. Adrian "Funky" Phipps says:

    Hi guys, any idea who won these tickets?

  51. Kreg says:

    We think purely due to the effort made by Amy Biggs, you are our winner!

    Well done and check your email please :)

  52. Amy Biggs says:

    Thank you :)

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