There are few pearls of wisdom in today’s world that are widely accepted as “common knowledge”. For instance it is undeniable that the sky is blue, that Steven Segal should never direct romantic comedies, or that Amanda Bynes’s vagina can swallow one of 50 Cent’s mag wheels whole. These are givens; irrefutable facts of life. And growing up in post Apartheid South Africa we were made aware of another incontrovertible tomb of wisdom; that upon Nelson Mandela’s death, the previously oppressed individuals of this nation will rise up, usurp power and enact furious vengeance against the minority race. Duh. As if Madiba was the shoestring tying the black moral compass, his passing would invoke the ghost of Shaka. The Constantia collective would be driven to the sea, and not in the twin V8 powerboats they kept at their Plett house either. Land will be returned to its rightful owners, order will be restored under the African sun, and white genocide will occur void of clemency. My oupa taught me this, upon his knee in my tender youth. It is common knowledge. And all whites are helpless to stop it.
It will start slow and build momentum. The revolution will be a cunning plot to unseat the bastion of white privilege, and so the white population will be hit where it hurts most: Woolworths. At first it will be subtle; no more Quinoa superfood lunch salads and only frozen seafood. But soon there will be no microwave meals, no humus or exotic cheeses. The clothing section will cease to produce houndstooth cardigans and that weird room spray that makes your lounge smell different. The prices will drop and organic products will vanish from the shelves, no longer allowing whitey to have an overbearing sense of snobbery for paying 3 times the price for basic products. How will they feel superior now? Especially when, and this is hard for me to even say, Mercedes will only make entry level cars that compete with the Chevy Spark.
And then the endemic insurgency will leak to social gatherings and force the Capetonian pale faces to engage with the other races on a recreational level. All PSL football matches will be played on the Newlands cricket oval, and the bars will only serve Milk Stout. Suddenly, and shockingly, everyone inside Tiger Tiger for the first time will be able to dance, because there will be no drunk white dudes rocking an impromptu robot when they hear the one Jay-Z song they know the words to. Hout Bay market will no longer stock aromatherapy candles or do Tarot card readings, but will rather be an informal spaza shop selling live chickens and airtime. And just when the white Messiah’s think they have lost almost everything; the Vineyard Hotel will start a weekly Kwaito evening. Oh the inhumanity!
Eventually the gated communities of Bishopscourt and Bantry Bay will be forced to open their doors to entire families. Kelvin Grove’s croquet fields will no longer see a surplus of Grey haired wrinkly geriatrics talking about “the good old days” but rather a collection of well dressed MK Vets chatting about the twist in last week’s Generations. And just as all the white privilege has completely dissipated, the remaining few are boiled alive, or turned into car guards. This is the horror that we face when Rolihlala kicks the bucket. This is a given, an unavoidable truth.
The sad part is, is that you know there’s some khaki wearing moustached mother fucker in Vereeniging that has an underground bunker filled with baked beans and automatic weapons, who is on high alert for the day when shit gets hurled tooth and nail against the fan. The brilliance of Madiba is that he took a country on the precipice of civil war and guided it into a peaceful state. His inactivity over the past few years has had a largely benign effect on society’s racial tension and if you look beneath Table Mountain, white people live a far superior life to that of their black counterparts. If you, for a second, think that his passing will influence that then maybe you should actually be doing more to uplift your fellow South Africans who have suffered under your ancestral tyranny. We’ve got a long way to go before we are “multicultural”, and a bit of integration would do a wonder to our civility. If you talk genocide, you’re an idiot who mongers fear in the hope of self preservation. If one thing happens when Mandela finally does go, let it be that you are a little more accepting of others and that you realise that South Africa is actually gifted with the most diverse population on the planet, and “whiteness” bears no relevance to entitlement.
*Folllow @Stroobz on twitter as he chats about the latest Khaki skinny jeans from Zara, and attempts to grow a moustache on his lower back.