The digital landscape has been littered with nonsense about Nonhle Thema for long enough. Without a change in consumer culture I will be harassed by Nonhle’s unbelievably narcissistic ramblings through retweets, wall posts and hair relaxer adverts for years to come. MyCityByNight would like to start that change…

Let’s talk briefly about the rather outspoken tv presenter and entrepreneur Nonhle Thema. She’s got just over 106 000 followers on Twitter- many of whom are fascinated by the self-involved utter nonsense that she squeezes into 140 characters. If you for one minute question whether she really thinks she’s as awesome as God, she’ll lay into you, letting you know how much cash she’s made vs how little you’ve got. She’s had more feuds than Cher has gay fans and is never far from letting you know just how great she is.

Twitter Exhibit A:

“im not playing.change is coming.no more humble poor girls on tv.its time for us to shine…..IM BORN A WINNER…”

For more hilarity check out Nonhle’s Twitter Timeline.

In a recent Time Out interview, Nonhle gave a little bit of insight around how her behaviour on social media platforms will be used to better her career instead of bashing other “broke bitches”:

“I have now decided that my Twitter space will not carry random, not carefully thought-out, tweets in 2012. I am going to use the space to inspire and encourage the youth to be also entrepreneurial and become a success,”

She then went on to chat about her haters (not a cliché at all):

“This whole pull down syndrome comes from the generally held perception that as a young black person you cannot be successful in business, and therefore cannot be your own person.

“The fact is you can, and everything that I do in life is geared towards correcting that perception.”

I can guarantee one thing… All of the hating has got nothing to do with the fact that you are black and young, dear.

Annoyed by the fact that Nonhle continues assault us with useless crap that only die-hard fans will consume (Nonhle Thema Hair, Nonhle Thema Precious Ivy Perfume & a hip hop tune produced by Bongani Fassie), I decided that it was time to do something. Writing and saying things that poke fun at her is just getting a little bit old.

MyCityByNight affects the lives of thousands of people a day, with many of those people being forced to hear about Nonthle Thema far more often than they’d like (social media is a bitch like that). The thinking is that if we can make sure never to mention her again, it’ll be one less place that you, in turn, will have to hear about… wait what’s her name again?

So that’s the proposition. If this post gets 100 likes, MyCityByNight will NEVER mention Nonhle Thema’s name again. Anywhere.

Hopefully we’ll be first of many more to come.

Snoop Dogg who is best known for getting really blazed and popping up in people’s hot-tubs has taken a bit of a disliking to the antics of Kim Kardashian and dissed her online. Snoop dishes out some heavy tunage while under his psuedonym of Nemo leaving the estranged Mr Humphries with some sound advice- “You cant make a ho a housewife. It’s not flattering at all (but hella funny).

He then jokes about Kim wanting to trade up from Reggie Bush during a trip to Africa because the kids penis’s were bigger than his. You can imagine that this video isn’t best played loudly at work.

Check out the video in all its NSFW glory (external site).

Lumo Sumo is back to welcome one of the world’s biggest DJs, Paul van Dyk, and is guaranteed to offer the best spot at the Gatecrasher Summer Music Festival.

Stay at Sumo City – take the hassle out camping and party in comfort and with total peace of mind.

Sumo City will be the fattest spot at the Ostrich Farm – Tents setup in prime position, a chillout area with seating, hokkah pipes, shade, security, snacks.

Not only that, but affordable secure locker storage, mattresses and breakfasts are available, ensuring you have the most comfortable, chilled out spot at the party. Tents are going from R200 for the weekend and you are welcome to share tents, so bring your crew and we will make sure you are catered for.

Lockers will have 24 hour-security and are big enough to share with a few mates, making it really worthwhile keeping your valuables safe – party with total peace of mind!

Fill out this booking form to secure your spot in Sumo City.

For more information please mail sara@lumosumo.co.za or call 0797526911!

Last week while listening to the Stacey Norman do her thing on KFM & Highveld Stereo the topic of gingers was raised. MyCityByNight wouldn’t be what it is without the input of a certain ginger whizkid by the name of Kreg, which is why I listened to the conversation unfold with a little bit more intent.

During the course of the night’s conversation a certain young maiden by the name of Anthea Pokroy called in to chat about a little site that she started called “I Collect Gingers”. You’re all probably going- what the hell is that all about? Well here’s a little bit of information about the project taken from the site:

I collect gingers is a project about identity, prejudice and racial classification, segregation and elitism which explores my own personal histories of being Jewish and South African. This artwork will be manifested by collecting gingers (or red heads) through archiving and documenting them individually and in groups. This will be presented as a multimedia exhibition which will include photography, video, installation and performance.

The collection of gingers started when Anthea (a ginger herself) started in August 2010 when her love for the “beautiful, romantic colour palette” of a ginger person and all that it connotes turned into a shoot with 7 gingers. Deep down the project is about the oppressed and oppressors throughout history but I thought it was really cool because of the sense of identity that it fosters between the sun-averse members of society.

I do however think there’s one particular ginger missing from this collection…

To check out the full collection and find out a little bit more about this pretty cool project have a look at I Collect Gingers over HERE.

Don’t you know who I am? I’m Ricky Bynight and I’m a fucking famous blogger.

-would be the way I would start conversations with people if I believed that for one second this statement would have any positive effects on their lives. I’ve wanted to tackle this subject for a while now and I think the recent customer service debacle involving a certain self appointed favourite child has made such a post all the more relevant.

There are more bloggers in South Africa now then there gays living in De Waterkant. Literally every single person who can half string a sentence together or post pretty pictures with captions neatly attached on a web page is publishing content for the world to consume. This is fantastic for the fact that people are able to contribute to shared knowledge that is openly available for the globe to interact with. The downside to it is that certain people who have been able enjoy the successes of playing in the digital world and establishing a discernable brand believe that the real world now owes them something.

In days gone past a critic like Barry Ronge struck fear into the hearts of movie makers and event organizers not only due to his resemblance to a hungry grizzly bear but also because of his reach and following. On the best of days he would compare an event or happening to inhaling cold soup through your nose- opinions that were shared amongst the many newspaper and magazine readers out there making the people being critiqued very nervous. Now every spastic that can write a full sentence (sometimes this doesn’t even happen) has a potential audience of millions- note the use of the world POTENTIAL. Just because you have reached a couple of hundred or even a few thousand followers or Facebook or Twitter for your blog does not mean you get to hang the threat of some bad exposure online to get what you want.

It’s these abusers of the system (anti-bloggers if you will) who cause a great deal of eye-rolling that I receive when I introduce myself mentioning the fact that I run a blog with 2 other normal guys. People think we literally go around to places asking to do reviews in exchange for getting comped- and should the service or experience be less than emotional we’d follow it up with a terrible review. Really. Why would anyone care?

Sure in the past MCBN has said a bunch of things that have made people really angry- we’ve even had death threats on a number of occassions from a good few club owners and promoters. Why you ask? Well because we’ve thought things could have been run/done better, hoping that by sharing this info with you, you would be able to make an informed decision about how you feel about the situation. Not once have we ever had a “do you know who I am” attitude and I think that this forms a large part of the reason why everyone keeps on coming back to the site.

Even if I did work at THE biggest internet marketing company in the world and had an amazing, quirky blog I really shouldn’t expect anyone to quiver as I walk by them. If I don’t have a theme song that’s played WHENEVER I enter a room or have people recognize me in the streets, coming up to me asking for photos to send to their love-struck daughters at home, then it’s very likely that no one really cares what I have to say.

Sure it’s important to point out service that is less than standard- if no one does that, things will never improve. However before you shout out from your soap box, just remember that it is JUST that- a soap box- where you can look like major douche, that’s up your own arse, just as easily as being perceived as a martyr. I just feel like someone needs to speak up and get everyone to stop taking themselves so damn seriously.

In the mean time… I think I’m in the mood for some Samurai Rolls (too soon?)

I want you to do a few things for me before you watch this video…

1) Turn your soundsystem/speakers/headphones up ten times louder than full blast.

2) Get as comfortable as possible…

3) Sit back, relax and enjoy!

I’m going to try and clean the house today after work… These would be my famous last words before I was murdered by my mooiness. With things going swimmingly at the start of the year, every day becomes more and more of juggling act, trying to balance the needs of work and my personal life in a way where I can actually stay out later than 10pm on a weeknight and still be up for promotion at the end of the month.

With a schedule as demanding as that, it is needless to say things like cleaning the apartment that I’ve just moved into have taken a backseat in my life (like all the way back. Like at the back of the bus- back). If you were to ask my mates what they thought about my general standards of cleanliness, they’d probably vote me in as “the person most likely to die from an accidental hair gel fire”. Apparently though, the same anal retentivity doesn’t doesn’t carry over to my domestic life. From the time when I was a little whipper-snapper, I never really enjoyed doing housework, only discovering what on earth that brush in the bathroom was actually used for at the not so tender age of 13, when I almost used it to scrub my dirty rugby socks, much to my mother’s dismay (just in case you don’t know- it’s used to clean poo bits off the inside of the toilet).

Maybe it’s a guy thing. Just try and explain to a 20-something bunch of guys why it is important to clean the ring around the bath and you’ll probably be met with a series of very blank expressions akin to those displayed by Julius Malema in his Matric Woodwork exam… I mean kids are starving out there- who cares about what type of geometric pattern has appeared in the bath anyways?! Well you should care, because it’s almost guaranteed that the person who you are/will eventually be living with will.

Apart from the siffness factor, it’s important to do a bit of a clean as often as you can muster up the energy because this is going to show that you respect other people who share your space (as a partner or guest) enough to keep things clean. This unfortunately means investing in cleaning products and applying a little bit of elbow grease on a weekly basis (who’s got the money to buy beer and get a maid in every week as well?). Make an effort to keep things clean and you’ll more than likely be praised for being sensitive and “not like the other guys” as a wonderful by-product of this activity. At least this is what I think happens (I haven’t tried it yet). So tonight… after work, I’m going to try and clean the house. I’ll let you all know how that goes.

The name say it all, literally! I would definitely have had a tough time not laughing if I got on this train. It must have been hilarious if you were one of the people who didn’t know of the no pants train. Take a look at this video and try put yourself in this situation…  One of those #thatawkwardmoment popped into my head immediately…

Porn is Harmless. At least that’s what the latest statement from On Digital Media (ODM) in support of TopTV’s proposed porn bouquet would have you believe. I am inclined to agree with them.

The statement continued with the self-proclaimed martyrs highlighting the efforts they had made on behalf of the masses-

“TopTV does not apologise for giving those who do wish to view adult content on television access to such content”. – essentially making TopTV the Robin Hood of the television industry… Stealing from prudish and giving to the horny.

I spent a large portion of my adolescent years watching porn and this does not make me a sexual deviant in the slightest. Even if you had to try something that you had seen in a porno with a real life girl who did not agree with having your bodily fluids spilt on her she would probably punch you in the nuts. Generally being punched in the nuts is quite enough to stop you from trying it again- reducing the chance of sex crimes to fairly close to none.

If I was to be critical, it is apparent that porn has had an influence on how society views sex rather than causing sexual violence as many anti-porn lobbyists would have you believe. If it wasn’t for porn and the influence that it has, I really cant imagine that any girl/guy would at all be interested in having love juice splashed across them after a good shag.

In September 2011 TopTV signed a carriage agreement with Playboy TV UK/Benelux to broadcast three channels – Adult XXX, Private Spice and Playboy Europe – as a stand-alone package and a separate subscription of R199, saying “stagnating to past statements will not serve the changed needs from our clients or assist our growth”. I do think it is important to clarify what kind of porn will become as part of this subscription as this is quite possibly the real issue that needs to be raised.

In South Africa, there is no standard for mature and healthy sexual relationships. I don’t know of many girls that can ask their mom’s about the best way to give a bj or whether even engaging in oral sex is ok. So if they’re showing GangBang Heroes 45- Sloppy Seconds on rotation, chances are these girls are going to learn what is acceptable or safe  from cringe worthy hardcore offerings. Without a standard for what is healthy and what isn’t, there is room for porn (whether in print, online or TV) to affect behaviour in the sexually active, even if ever so slightly. If the selection of porn on offer was to contain the more educational “lady friendly” porn this would be step in the right direction and far more than any digital offering has ever done.

Paying R199 per month for porn that you never watch for longer than 5 minutes anyways is a decision that any self respecting adult should be allowed to make. Faith groups are always going to get all touchy- they do even complain about songs with “suggestive lyrics” on the radio. If they could they would also “boycott the internet” because Google gave them porn in their search results or not drink milk because it was squeezed from a cow’s udder in a way that made them feel awkward when they watched.

Everyone should realize that porn does affect society, but not in the way that it causes sexual violence. A girl who in the middle of sex tried to insert a shaking purple vibrator into my anus “because she saw it on TopTV” would be the worst of it – nothing more sinister. Chat to your kids people, give them the guidelines for healthy sexual relations and regardless of what they are exposed to over the course of their life, they’ll know the difference between right and wrong.

Summertime in Cape Town is a majestic thing, this could be the new, low cost Monte Carlo. Just as much as it is beautiful, the Mother City during summer can be filled with her own share of peril as well and it is for this reason that MyCityByNight is giving you our own Guide to Surviving Summer in Cape Town.

Cape Town is one of the most picturesque and diverse cities on the planet- anyone that has ever breathed in the fresh Table Mountain air will know exactly what I am talking about. There are beaches, wine farms, a mountain, car guards and… Manenberg. Plenty of places to visit , plenty of things to do and plenty of ways to die.

Shall we start with the heart of Cape Town- the CBD or “Town”, as everyone who stays here calls it? Town is a general term used to refer to the areas that surround the actual CBD, areas that each have their own unique offerings. Although Cape Town city centre is no where near as dangerous as Jozi, if you do need to venture out into the heart of the Central Business District at night be aware that you may be accosted by a car guard while leaving the club. They’ll say thank you before you’ve even done anything other than walk in the direction of a bunch of parked cars. More painful than sunburn on your penis, these defenders of capitalism are everywhere in town at night. Be careful and protect your change.

Next up… The hood. If you’ve grown up in the hood you probably don’t need to be told a great deal about surviving Summer given the fact that you are still alive enough to be reading this. However, if you haven’t grown up in the land of gatsbys and bunny licks and have to visit one of Cape Town’s many “hoods” this Summer (like say, to visit your Coloured mooiness- we’re all about mixed race couples here) there are a few things you need to remember. When someone comes up to you and says “aweh” – it’s not because they want you to be mindful or AWARE of anything- they’re just saying hi- and testing you to see if you’re from around there. If you respond by saying “Hi, Hello or Good Morning”- you will more than likely be robbed of your board shorts or shot. To say safe- just simply say Aweh back and nod your head in acknowledgement- even if you are light-skinned this should be enough to convince them that you deserve to keep your watch.

Seapoint. Ah yes. Good old Seapoint, home of all of the old people in Cape Town (if you don’t count Pinelands). The average of this particular part of the Mother City is around 105, they’re all angry at life and a fairly large portion of the women who live there sound just like Fran Drescher- if you know what I mean. If you must go and get a bagel or pay your tv license there then make sure that you’re ready to eat your fair share of humble pie as everyone there tells you how good it was in the old days before taxis and cell phones, while they proceed to push infront of you in the queue (because they’re old or whatever).

If you are down in Cape Town over Summer, it’s a good idea to go and check out Table Mountain. While you are there, try to avoid all the students smoking marijuana (or join them) as you make your way up to the Cable Car landing parking lot- the secondary smoke could make your eyes burn. Once you’ve taken the Cable Car/hiked to the top, stay clear from the edge if it is a windy day. As straight forward as this sounds- much like a room full of relapsing alcoholics, people fall down there all the time- and unfortunately not a great deal of them survive.

How could I ever call this a guide to Surviving Summer in Cape Town without dealing with the beach? First off, wherever it is that you decide to soak up the rays, make sure that you slap on copious amounts of sunscreen, the South African sun is for real, looking like a lobster is only cool if you are an actual crustacean… on my plate. It is essential that when you do venture to the picturesque city beaches that you take along your entire savings drawn out in hundreds. Should you need to quench your thirst to avoid dying in the sun amongst the amazingly pert asses, this will cost you your arm, leg and a piece of your torso as you shell out R30 for a cold, locally produced and bottled Still Water.

Armed with that, you should all be ok to Survive Summer in the most beautiful city on earth and live to tell all your friends how great it was- without tourists, none of us would have jobs or anyone to make fun of.

At the start of every year, I go through a process that many of you will find rather familiar- that of making a series of resolutions in the hope that I will be a better me in the year to come. Take this year for example- I’ve been to the gym a few times (3 to be exact), decided to only drink waistline-slimming whiskey when out (unless at an event sponsored by a beer/brandy/cognac/vodka brand) and to give up using the Devil’s Lettuce as a side salad (although that lasted all of ten minutes into the new year).

The human race is fixated on bettering ourselves, which is probably the reason why we’ve come as far as creating robots that can bring you a can of beer. However, more often than not, the resolutions that we make come January every year are nothing more than grandiose plans that leave you feeling all shit about what you haven’t have accomplished. If you took all of the World’s New Year’s Resolutions (abbreviated as NYRs) and put them all into one big cloud (you see I do read Wired.com), you’d probably notice that they can all be grouped into two main categories. Almost all resolutions are either about making health changes or improving your experience of life.

Better health NYRs can involve things like getting fit, losing weight or even something crazy like running an ultra marathon or doing the Duzi canoe race. I hate to admit it but as I get closer to 30, I can sense my metabolism slowing down, literally feel the fat settling on my belly with every single bite of KFC that I take. You’ve all heard people say:

I care so much about my abs that I wrap them in a protective layer of fat

But if we’re all being candid we have to admit that this is only good for a momentary laugh- deep down everyone is thinking- yeah stop with the damn mash and gravy already Fatty McFatso. It’s really not kiff.

The second portion of NYRs deals with general lifestyle improvements. These are things that you believe will make your life a more pleasurable experience if carried out. Typically consisting of things like seeing your family more, not stressing as much about work or even finding a job where you don’t feel the need to slash your boss’ tires every time you walk out of the building after a long day of them taking the credit for your awesomeness.

The massive issue that I have with NYRs is that when you fail at upholding one of them you’re more likely to do so in spectacular fashion. Say you decide to stop drinking as your NYR- Along comes your friend’s wedding, you being in a jolly and celebratory mood decide to have one glass of champers. One glass turns into two, which then turns into a bottle ending up with you passed out in the fountain with your penis stuck in the wedding cake. It happens, trust me.

If you really feel the need to make a resolution, whether it is at the start of the year or beginning of the day- make it something achievable, like not throwing up from drinking too much (although, given the late night antics of MCBN, even this might be one notch too far for us- Especially Kreg, who is famous for taking a knee to chunder out brightly coloured rainbows of joy much like a Carebear).

Bitesize is better everywhere except for the bedroom- so start small and then metaphorical high 5 yourself when you reach your mini-goal because lets be honest, you’re just going to be clapping aimlessly in the streets if you actually try to high five yourself.

Ricky Bynight out…

This year the Premier League has been more interesting to watch than slow motion replays of large breasted mooiness running. However, the year thus far hasn’t been without it’s own share of scandal- specifically around England and Chelsea captain John Terry. Adding yet another notch to the current Terry bad karma scorecard is the apparent use of his image on a tobacco warning labels printed on cigarette packets in India.

The somewhat blurred image, which in my opinion is clearly that of Blue’s captain, Terry above a warning that “Smoking Kills” on a box on entjies was created by the government’s Directorate of Visual Publicity.

Terry’s reps have sent the matter to their lawyers to take appropriate action. Johnny boy is still facing criminal charges in Britain over allegations of racially abusing QPR’s Anton Ferdinand and now has had his image used to deter people from smoking. If you smoke your lungs will look like John Terry’s off the pitch career… that should be enough to put you off from ever touching an eintjie again.

Wishing all our late night alumni a very merry Christmas! Eat, drink, be merry and get naked with a Mooiness (or Mooiman)!

The pic for the lads above and the mooiness below!

Enjoy the extras in the gallery…

With the end of 2011 firmly in sight, you would have noticed that the internet and media has been flooded with a series of lists. Top ten this, best entertainers that… We at MyCityByNight are never far from global trends so decided to jump onboard the bandwagon of lazy- end of year content production and come up with our very own.

Instead of the traditional top ten I decided to throw together a list of the 5 South Africans that I would most like to have sundowners with after the more than entertaining year of 2011. Obviously the likelihood of such a drinks evening ever happening is not very high, I still like to dream.

The guestlist for the extra special MCBN All South African Sundowners (MCBN ASAS) would be something like this:

Steve Hofmeyer

Steve is a proud matriculant from Grey College who is synonymous with drama. He is an ardent supporter of the Blue Bulls and constantly gets embroiled in controversy whether because of proposed lyrics in his hit singles that are offensive to Black people or a full on beef with U2′s Bono that reportedly ended in him throwing his R5000 U2 Concert tickets into the Jukskei River in protest. Steve will be there to engage in intriguing conversation about how he has Black friends, pausing briefly to serenade all of us with his wonderful new album while we sip on our cocktails of choice.

Julius Malema

Julius always seems to make the news… I think it has something to do with that amazing smile and razor sharp wit of his. The hope is that we’ll be able to regale old stories of when he used remove National Party posters instead of going to class and how he came to the conclusion that nationalisation meant the same thing as an end of year bonus. Julius will also keep us entertained with his majestic use of the English possibly leaving us with quotes as stirring as the one made by him in reference to then ANC President Thabo Mbeki

“We are leaving this dead snake, but we must bury it, it is dead now,”

or even this one about Democratic Alliance (DA) party leader Helen Zille, a white woman, after she was elected premier of Western Cape province.

“She, the racist little girl, must remember that Zuma is her boss,”

Nonthle Thema

BOOM! Sit down.

Wait what? Are you talking to me?

The evening of drinks wouldn’t be complete without the less than totally sane chick who made her name on Channel O interviewing one or two noteworthy International stars. Once slightly tipsy Nonthle would compare herself to deity and then proceed to tell all of us how poor we are in comparison, which is going to be interesting considering the bank accounts of the rest of the guests aren’t exactly that of poverty stricken SA shack dwellers. There’s also a hidden bonus in inviting the ex-video jockey around- free stuff! She’s endorsed everything from relaxers to cars, so I’m sure at bare minimum we’d all be able to score a courtesy gift pack for our troubles.

Michael Mol

Michael Mol is the all South African, South African. He’s the guy all girls’ mothers love and has done exceptionally well over the years to establish himself in industries other than medicine. This year saw him get his very own tv show along with continuing to cameo on early morning breakfast shows and voice-overs in bathrooms in airports as well. So why him? Well could you imagine Michael trying to come up with corny one-liners to keep the peace at this drinks evening? I could… and it would be great to watch.

Kenny Kunene

The ZAR Sushi King is the freaking life of the party. All you have to do is watch his “So what” TV show to know that this guy is the business. He’d take care of the dinner eats by providing some naked human tables for sushi as well as supplying us with some real French champagne to spray on each other, while the homeless guy watching our cars asks for a 2 rand. Having honed his party promotion skills inside prison my man Kenny will make sure that our All South African Sundowners is the best event of the year!

I think that’s it… that’s the list. In my mind that’d be the most entertaining night out in a long time and a perfect way to cap off 2011.

What about you? Are there any additions you’d like to make to the list?

Here is a Youtube compilation of the Best Fails of 2011! Enjoy

My name is not Jon Savage. I don’t care if you don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past five years and I certainly don’t care if you want to read this piece or any of the others that I write.

What I am concerned about is expressing an opinion about the South African entertainment industry, an opinion that some of you will share and that others will despise. South Africa has been a fairly interesting place to live in post 1994. We’ve always been better than the rest of the 3^rd World but yet not quite fully 1^st World enough to get invited to the International end of year office party. This has meant that we’ve consistently done our best to emulate what we considered to be the crème of the global crop in our local entertainment industry in the hope that the rest of the world would sit up and take notice of that not so little country at the tip of Africa.

A rapper is arrested for gun possession in the UK… Jub-Jub ploughs down a group of kids in his Mini-Cooper in SA and stands trial (eventually). Mel Gibson goes on a religious and racist tirade in the US… Steve Hofmeyer, well continues to be Steve Hofmeyer. This same trend trickles over into the rest of the entertainment industry with our local A-listers (I use this term very loosely- like fat pants loose) thinking that they reside in their very own version of Tinseltown Hollywood. And that’s where I am going to play the metaphorical married wife and feign a headache to avoid engaging in 3 minutes of listless humping. ALL of you are NOT celebrities.

A rather irritating trend of people thinking that they are celebrities and that their opinions count, spreading their very own versions of the gospel of entertainment, has been creeping up of late. Case in point a certain Jon Savage from 5FM and Cassette and some other indie band (for more details on Jon Savage’s many other achievements see his Rolling Stone online post entitled Local is Not Lekker over HERE). I get that you are a dj on a local radio station and have been in the local music scene for a good number of years but I really don’t think that you should be writing for a publication like Rolling Stone (even if it was only online, it was still just enough rope provided by the entertainment heavyweights). The point you were making was a valid one but the way it was presented made no sense- it was essentially just one long advert for yourself. The shameless self-promotion extends all the way through the local industry with everyone who’s ever been on tv for even 30 seconds writing a book or publishing newspaper articles that make you question why anyone even cares enough to have given them the opportunity in the first place (much like Jacob Zuma did with Julius Malema).

So why do we care? These people are really just normal individuals who have got caught up in the idea that when they wake up in the morning thousands of people will be waiting outside their house waiting to take pictures of them, entitling them to spew their opinions across all media. This is not Hollywood. Hell this isn’t even Nollywood. You are not a celebrity until someone tries to take a sample of your excrement to sell on Ebay.

And you’re definitely not a celebrity if you make a “living” from writing about “celebrities”. Yes and I am talking about all of you entertainment bloggers and “journalists” who see-saw between the two sides of every issue worth talking about, just so you can get invited back to the next cool launch of the next cool album or whatever. Take yourselves with a pinch of fucking salt. You only need to look at my bio on Twitter to know that I don’t for one minute take myself seriously- “curator of urban culture” I mean really- all that makes me different from you, is a knack for writing, penchant for partying and a charming smile (whoa, this really is contagious).

South Africa only has one real celebrity and his name is Nelson Mandela. Everyone needs to take a bit of a break from pretending to be awesome and just carry on their lives like normal people. Be thankful that your voice, face or online avatar is more recognizable than others in the country you live in… stop making an ass of yourselves and do something positive to make your country a cooler place.

PS. (Local IS Lekker. Motherfucker).

Fresh after a South African woman was executed in China for smuggling tik another Saffa woman was arrested in Bangkok’s International airport after police said they found 1.5kg of cocaine hidden in her dreadlocks. That’s enough cocaine to keep Charlie Sheen busy for at least 3 days.

Nobanda Nolubabalo, 23, was searched on Monday when police said they noticed a white substance in her hair shortly after she stepped off a Qatar Airways flight that originated in San Paulo and flew through Qatar to Suvarnabhumi Airport as reported in the Bangkok Post.

The search uncovered 1.5kg of cocaine with a street value of 4.5 million baht (about R1.2 million) hidden in her dreadlocks, authorities said. Apparently the chick had been hired to do the deed for around R16 000- yes that’s not even enough cash to buy a car or a house or anything worth risking your life for (not that there’s much that you should risk your life for).

Police said the suspect admitted smuggling the drug and said she was on her way to deliver it to a customer at a hotel in Bangkok. 

These days, just about everyone has a blog… even my mother- on her bit of internet real estate she talks about flowers, beads and other shiny things that fascinate gypsies (I am convinced my mother is actually a gypsy). A blog is snapshot of life, seen through the eyes of the online publisher- it allows us to live alongside them for as long as it takes for us to get bored and click through to the next. Having grown MyCityByNight into the online McDonalds playpen that it now is along with Kreg and Stacky, I frequently get asked for advice on how to generate similar amounts of excitement and traffic from arbitrary thoughts and ramblings. So I’ve decided to help all aspiring bloggers and purveyors of online entertainment with a guide for being great… as great as some of the favourites here in South Africa.

You see, there are different types of bloggers. They each have a particular mould and style and people follow them for a reason. For ease, I will divide the different variants up into broad categories with names that are made up (and have totally nothing to do with blogs with similar names). From this list, you should be able to draw on all of these traits and become a superblogger- capable of getting enough free stuff to support you and your fetish for samples (that is why most of you do it, right?).

Hangers & Cash

If you go the Hangers & Cash route it is very important to remember that it is all about you as a personal brand. Try show up to meetings drunk and pick a random and totally un-content related item to associate with your blog… like say a moustasche. Have made up names for people and consistently refer to them in the 3rd person. eg “The Cleaner” and I decided to surf some waves. It’s also all about being the guy that intrigues pretty much everyone, wear a hat, show up to parties holding a balloon and constantly have cryptic conversations on social media platforms with people in your friends circle that make your life seem like one large bowl of awesome. You should inspire others to be better human beings (even just a touch as cool as you), one post at a time. As an added note- be sure that everyone that you are seen to be talking to online is equally as cool/filled with angst as you are. Never… never endorse anything you don’t personally use/believe in- otherwise by next week you’ll be going on about how much you love apple flavoured lube (when we all know guava is the best flavour).

MR (INSERT A CITY HERE)

It is a fairly big deal to take on the entire name of a city and put yourself out there as its self-appointed significant other. You are going to need to know a lot of people. This is where the core of the MR (INSERT A CITY HERE) blogging approach lies- the masses. You’re kinda like the People’s Champ- the guy who everyone can relate to as being one of them. Focus on drinking brands that are slightly less than premium (think along the lines of a papsak) and talking about all the places and things we all love but are often a little embarassed about indulging in (like going to the Spur). Then to make things more interesting, be incredibly filthy at every opportunity possible. If someone mentions bread- make a joke about yeast infections. Then at the drop of hat, clean up your act and mention how excellent you would be at managing any brand anywhere- based on your ability to remain out of jail even after all of the sexual harassment lawsuits.

Not another food/nightlife/music blog

This one is slightly easier than most of the others, as it doesnt require you to manage your reputation online in anyway. You’re anonymous so you can spew just about whatever hatred comes into your head about a particular topic (clubs, restaurants, bowling alleys). It also makes for more entertaining reading if you are an ex-employee of the industry that you’re hating on and can get really technical. Just remember it’s only good if you write really long run on sentences without any punctuation while you talk about how cool hipsters think they are in their hats and “vintage” sandals (much like I have just done). 

2Riversvibe

This one is probably the most difficult because it requires you invent an entire lifestyle and then be seen to be living it all the time. This will typically involve you doing strange things like sitting on top of a table when out and about on the town, but hey it adds to your allure. You’ve always got to be cutting edge when it comes to what you are offering (basically just take what they’ve done overseas and do it here, before anyone else can afford the new overpriced tech). Once you’ve got a bit of a following make sure to train others to write like you do, to keep the content coming while you get your brand out there in every form of media out there. Start an online radio station from your bedroom and have your best mates on as djs (that way you can convince them that they will one day be paid when you get sponsored with much more ease).  Even if you’re actually the complete opposite to your tagline, buy into the idea with everything you have… be the… um… well… the holiday. If you crack this one- you will be on some Super Saiyen Level 6 Dragon Ball Z type shit- people are going to need to use the Fusion technique to stand a chance at beating you.

GoParty

The trick here is have an action statement as the name of your blog- like GoParty, thus telling everyone exactly what they should do after reading your blog. A nifty trick is to put a DONT before the action statement- this will make everyone want to do the action even more (basic psychology). Here it is very important to be underground- so underground that you can heat up your waffles on the core of the earth. Your following will be grown through throwing a series of parties featuring the hottest in electronic entertainment and you will need to be ill behaved at all parties you attend. Remember though- you need to keep your street cred in tact, so no-one and I mean no-one can know about your tendency to sing Keisha in the car. Oh and where possible graffiti things with your blog logo- letter boxes, the beggar at the traffic lights… everything.you.can.find.

DeathisTame

Over here the angle is sex, followed by hope. If you are lucky enough to blessed with some decent looks put some saucy pics of you on your headers and avatars- this will immediately gain you a fairly solid following of mooiness. These girls will believe that you are a shining beacon of hope that pretty guys can have brains too. Remember. Stress how big your arms are while chilling out at Caprice or wherever. For added mystery spend a couple of months in a different country, blog about how you’re trying to win money on a craps tournament because you’re allowed to be there, because your aunt owns a cake shop or something equally touching. Refer to yourself in the third person occassionally- but make sure to make it grand- maybe refer to yourself as Papi Tame.

OurCityAllDay

Here the key is to go on about how your work is all for the people and the community that support your endeavours online with their traffic- even give them their own name in the same way that Locnville calls their fans Locnvillens- it’s smells of ass but does wonders to foster a sense of family. Run competitions… competitions for everything- if someone is giving away their granny, get those fuckers to like your Facebook Fan Page and give that old woman away at the end of the week. BOOOM! (place this or some other nonsensical word after all paragraphs). To keep people coming back, always be as honest as possible- even if this does get you some fire from club owners/promoters and PR agencies- I mean who needs them, you’re that friggin cool already, right?

Then as a final way to ensure your success in the blogging world- give all of your competitors a digital high 5 at every opportunity and wherever possible be seen to be getting absolutely sloshed together- mooiness and corporate brands love this- you’ll have a fucking awesome six pack of the latest energy drink waiting at your door at home with at least 5 offers from people wanting to pay for advertising banner space on your site.

After all of that I’m trying to make one real point to everyone out there… There isnt one formula for success. Just be you- if people like you, they’ll visit your site, share your links and do tequila shots out of your belly-button (if only on tuesdays after the full moon). 

BOOOM! (fuck you)

Check this out… Someone throws a full can at Skrillex during his show and he literally tells them to F**K right off!

I don’t think I would have liked to have been ‘that’ person when everyone was yelling at him to shut the f**k up and f**k off!

Black Tuesday was the day that all fighters for freedom of speech and democracy wore black in protest of The Protection of Information Bill in the hope that a public interest clause would be added to the document before it became law. The actions of these brave people weren’t enough to sway the decision of the Government in favour of keeping the media free and sadly the dream of the South African democracy was a thing of the past. It did however highlight the shift in thinking that we are experiencing in South Africa and the World in relation to inclusivity and unified thought.

Today sees the launch of Rolling Stone Magazine South Africa and what I hope will be the first step in us forming a sense of what popular culture consists of in The Republic. Traditionally, the magazine is aimed at featuring everything from young visionaries and icons to politics and movies and aims to deliver the best possible representation of pop culture and public opinion- something that is evident with the choice of Hugh Masekela as the image for the first edition’s cover.

Today is the age of social media and development of popular culture that is for the first time representative of all parts of the globe thanks to the internet. Social Media has allowed us to create amazing domains for idea exchange and consumption of media and culture. The unified opinions and sharing of experiences and thoughts through social media allowed countries like Egypt to topple entire regimes. The influence that we have on each other is obvious. All you have to do is look around this particular page to see the all of the auto-suggestion going on while you read and interact with us. It has become common place for content, media and societal norms to be determined by the input and needs of those that consume it. And so it should be. If you are not able to interact with media (or government for that matter) and shape your experience of the world both online and when you’re unplugged (although we’re never really unplugged anymore) then we are not yet where we should be.

There are a couple of individuals in the online industry, particularly within the bloggin fraternity- I use the term loosely as everyone who’s nobody has a blog these days- that have done exceeding well to build a very positive internet brand with significant followings. Having a good brand or product, complete with a loyal following is one thing but translating this to real world gains is the real crux and measurement of success. The guys and girls that have become aware of this fact and have managed to make this connection in a way where social media and public input and opinion still allows them to stay marketable have essentially shaped a new form of hyper-entrepreneur. They are the new rockstars. Able to influence popular culture with relative ease and turn this into monetary gain.

They’re hanging out in the trendiest places, eating, drinking and doing what, according to popular culture, you should be doing- displayed in high megapixel glory all over the internet and are accessible from almost everywhere in the planet. What makes them different to the young visionaries or icons of the past is the fact that a great deal of what they do is directly influenced by the public who enjoy voyeuristically consuming bits of these internet stars lives. And I mean literally influenced by clicking “like” or retweeting a link. So are these not then the most accurate depictions of popular culture and the quest to what is as close to one singular thought pattern across the globe as we can get?

Whether this is the case will be seen in publications like Rolling Stone South Africa and how they choose their content along with which individuals feature on the covers in editions to come. I think the people who intrigue and influence us the most are those that have stories much like our own. They are going to be the new rockstars. However that’s if we still have the right to engage in social media, share opinion and blog in South Africa. Yup, don’t think that we wont eventually be controlled here too- The Secrecy Bill is only the beginning.

While we wait to see how everything pans out, swing me another beer or two so I can write my next post.

In America people would like everything to taste like bacon- even lubricant. The idea is that if you for whatever reason don’t enjoy giving blowjobs, but do enjoy the taste of some fresh bacon, you can buy some of this bacon lube and make the experience as pleasureable as Saturday morning’s breakfast. J&D’s Foods is a Seattle-based company which strives to make everything taste like bacon and they’re the one responsible for the latest in piggy-flavoured products.

I realise that this may pick a bone of contention with one or two people, similarly to a post about politics, religion, or Manchester United. I am a man, I do not currently have a vagina (despite all of the crude comments from my mates alluding to the fact that I do) and I really don’t enjoy the sheer volume of feminine hygiene product ads that I have to sit through when watching TV. I’m almost certain that even if I did have a vagina, I would not be that amped about watching how a piece of what is essentially material with technology that is shared with a nappy can make me more confident in an edited 1 minute and 30 second clip.

From the utterly ridiculous adverts with school girls dancing around while lining up for roll call in the morning and chanting how they don’t have to “check check”, to more technical ones featuring what appears to be a highly scientific if not CSI-esque approach to pads and other feminine hygiene products. So in essence these adverts are aimed at educating the masses of girls who have no idea how to use these products as well as enticing women to purchase confidence for their vaginas in nifty 16 packs right? Well in my opinion these adverts are missing the mark- I don’t know of many girls that would indeed do a dance, other than to celebrate the fact that their contraception has worked and that they are no longer at risk of having a child for the next couple of days. Educational? No I don’t think so.

So you’ve gotten to the point where you, who lives in a township and who has managed to catch the latest Always Ultra advert during a break in Generations, have purchased a 16 pack of lightly fragranced pads. Have you noticed how complex the directions are on the back of the pack? I mean really looked? The other day I was reading the back of one in an aisle in Pick’nPay (amid looks and fake smiles from female customers around me trying to make it not obvious that they needed to purchase the heavy flow option), only to be presented with a concept that I had never been exposed to. (DISCLAIMER: I was not buying pads for my mooiness, this was purely for research). In bold writing this particular brand spoke of a “Whisper pad” – a whisper pad, I thought… What the hell was that? Upon closer examination it went into more detail saying that it was meant for “ultimate discretion”. I’m a fairly well read individual and I had no idea what was that meant- I don’t even want to think about someone who doesn’t speak English as a first language and has to deal with stigma associated with feminine hygiene in townships and rural areas.

Thankfully there are ads that don’t leave me cringing wishing for 30 seconds of a dancing Eliza Dushku to make things ok- like the one from Kotex. This advert has mooiness in various types of underwear that have been popular over the years with a pleasant hum-along number in the background. It’s appealing to guys and drives home the point that feminine hygiene products need to change and fit the modern female’s needs. I even hummed along to the ad until they mentioned absorption. I momentarily considered the fact that I would be a great deal more ok with popping a pack of these into my shopping cart for the mooiness to accompany my fedra-cut bottle. It faded. Quickly.

I don’t actually know if these ads influence women and their buying patterns at all. They also don’t do much to put guys at ease if they have to shop for pads at the shops, in an emergency situation or for their daughters. According to these ads it seems that an entire litre bucket of blue liquid is expected to pour out of that place we love so much and be locked away in moisture prison like the latest baby nappy does. It’s terrifying and a horribly emasculating task to go and do. I am a new age guy and I love women, but nothing says, “my balls are at home in a jar with purple flowers on it” than standing in the queue at your Pick’nPay with a pack of heavy flow pads, looking rather confused when the female cashier gives you a strange look when she scans the pads.

Guys are different from girls. Period. (sorry). I know if we had a biological bit of coding that caused us to bleed from our penises for example, we wouldn’t want people advertising willy-wraps between halves of the football. We would prefer that it was in a Men’s online publication or magazine that made it slightly less about feeling confident and doing a dance because you’ve managed to stem the leak and more about facts. Maybe a man riding a white horse, with a beard and a caption saying “I’ve eaten a steak today and privates are fine.”- Ok, maybe a better catchphrase is needed, but you get what I’m trying to say here.

Maybe it’s up to you all to help me out on this one- do these adverts have any value at all to women or guys for that matter, or are we better off filling these spaces with more ads about room fragrancers and dishwashing liquid? There must be a better way…

NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE!!!!! This is the second time DigiCape has been robbed in the early hours of the morning this year. I am sure you all saw the previous footage on Mr Cape Town’s website. Well, Thank you to DJ Va Va for sending me this lovely piece of footage of some nice guys, strolling through and grabbing some early Christmas presents. I seriously hope these guys do something about their security, OR LACK THEREOF. SHOCKING DIGICAPE! Check this out:

This is what it said on the Youtube video: Digicape Cape Town was robbed again at 2h15 on 2 November 2011. We are offering a R10 000 reward for information leading to the successful prosecution and/or the recovery of our goods.

Thanks DJ Va Va

Yesterday was our 2nd birthday here at MyCityByNight and it was a day filled with celebration, mooiness and wishes from our friends, family and followers from across the globe. It has been an unbelievable journey thus far and we literally have to pinch ourselves every single day to make sure that we’re not dreaming.

Yesterday also saw the opening of the public voting phase of the SA Blog Awards 2011- an opening that wasn’t without it’s own share of controversy. Last year, was the first time that we took part in the South African Blog Awards (albeit through someone else nominating our blog in categories that we didn’t choose). We were the new kids on the block (even though we weren’t even nominated in the best new blog category) and worked really hard to get all of you to vote for us through millions of spam emails and a rather horrific banner on the side of our site. We wanted your approval, we wanted to know that we were loved. It’s a year later and things have changed now that we’ve had the chance to establish ourselves in the South African online, entertainment and nightlife industry, as somewhere you all can go to get the most honest view of life in your city and country (provided you’re in one of the major hubs within SA). Yesterday, with all the immense amount of love that we were shown by all of you, it proved to us that we were keeping to our mantra of being the “who, what, where & when” and being relevant and fun to read and engage with.

For any of you that have interacted with us or have had the pleasure of partying/chilling with us, you’ll know that the guys who fill these pages with content every single day are pretty much the exact same guys that you see out and about. We’ve never pretended to be anything that we’re not and we’ve never and will never be “bought” by anyone hoping for positive reviews or coverage of their events. The reason why we started MyCityByNight was to talk about things that we loved doing and to share the lifestyle with as many of you, the MyCityByNight Alumni as possible… I mean what is the point if you guys can’t enjoy your city for free and in style, just like we do?!

This year the SA Blog Awards has made the process of voting easier in many respects but has also made changes to the rules that mean you can’t vote for another blog in the same category without forfeiting your previous vote (check out the full story here on our mate Life is Savage and his blog). This was a major contributing factor in our decision to abstain from this year’s SA Blog Awards (an announcement that was made yesterday from our official MCBN Twitter Account). To be brutally honest, we are so thankful for the fact that you’re even on our site to begin with- we’re not going to ask you to vote for us or jump through any other hoops to show that you enjoy reading what we have to say. We can see the stats and we get all of the mails, comments, tweets and wall posts already.

It’s never been about recognition, winning awards or making tons of cash… It’s always been about having the best time and enjoying the site for what it is… A blog, run by 3 mates (plus 1 or two others helping us out along with way in Von Lurie, Hidro & Stroob) who love talking shit about everything under the sun.

You keep doing what you do and we promise to keep delivering and improving on what we put out there for the world to see. When we are no longer relevant, MCBN will cease to exist… Until then just remember…

This is… MyCityByNight

I opened up my inbox to an email titled – “Hi Craig & Kenrich, we have made a SAVVY video just for you”. After having a chuckle at the fact that they spelt Ricky’s name wrong, I went on to watch the video and checked out this cool initiative Nedbank are currently running, where you can win yourself a trip to NEW YORK! I think I am definitely going to get going on this one, I need to check out NY before the world comes to an end in 2012… Check out the video that will explain all the details. Thanks for the laugh Nedbank, big MyCityByNight hugs.

I don’t know if you have heard about the banned AXE that was recently removed from TV after the ASA  passed a ruling upholding a consumer complaint against the Ad. I am quite bummed cause the ad is awesome, who doesn’t like seeing mooiness on TV but I guess you just can’t please everyone… If you haven’t seen it yet (The one with the Angels falling from heaven), then have a look here:

Axe have gone as far as to do a written apology to all their loyal customers and this is also where they need OUR help… Check this out:

AXE Apology For “Fallen Angels” Advert

On the 26th October, the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) passed a ruling upholding a consumer complaint against our latest TV advert and ordered the commercial pulled from the air. The advert, showing Angels succumbing to the seductive smell of our new fragrance, AXE Excite, and falling to earth to pursue the great smelling AXE Man, was part of a global campaign and has been received with great enthusiasm around the world. The Angels have made quite an impact in South Africa, and popular news, content and social media portals were quick to report on the ruling.

AXE South Africa respects the ASA’s decision and apologises to any consumers who may have been offended by the advert. That was never our intention. The advert has been duly removed from mass broadcast and we have resorted to showcasing some international versions of the advert on our private brand channels, including www.facebook.com/axesouthafrica, where consumers opt-in for the type of tongue-in-cheek, sexy and sometimes edgy content AXE is known for.

As a show of good faith to those concerned, we have also made sure the seriousness of the matter is understood by our Angels, who will from now on try their very best to resist the seductive powers of The AXE Effect. To those AXE Men who have used, and who are continuing to use AXE Excite in the hope of seducing Angels, please note – whilst there is no individual danger of disciplinary action from the ASA, the Angels have been known to come in at quite a speed, and the use of AXE Excite is completely at your own risk.

Due to the incredible amount of support we have received in the press and through social media, we have invited everyone to have their say on our Facebook page. So what do you think? Would you like the Angels to keep falling? Let us know.

And don’t worry, the Angels are still permitted to host their Cloud 9 party on December 3rd, so if you haven’t already entered our competition for exclusive VIP tickets, then make sure you go to www.facebook.com/AxeSouthAfrica to enter.

We love mooiness and things like this should NEVER happen… SAVE the Angels & KEEP YOUR EYES ON MCBN for more information about the Cloud 9 coming up in December. We will have all the news & informations you need to know.

The World is all about personalisation, quick fixes and looking glossy-magazine-hot at all costs. If you’re super hairy down there, expect to be judged severely every time you whip your kit off at gym, or when you manage to lure a victim into your furry lair. So what about the colour of your vagina? Is there an ideal for that too?

Yes. Apparently if your vagina is not the colour of the pinkest Barbie car available for purchase you should feel self conscious. My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye that promises to restore the youthful pink colour back to your labia. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss (shame, poor thing). As the story goes, she was looking online for a solution to the “problem” when she discovered that thousands of other women, had similar issues surrounding the loss of colour in their cookies. After countless searches revealing no real solution for this pressing problem and a discussion with a gynecologist she decided to create her own… Thank the heavens.

I do not have a vagina of my own and don’t often shag old ladies, so this is actually the first time I have ever heard of the issue of vagina discolouration. Once again the very reliable website for this product pointed out that this in fact was a problem faced by all women since childhood with the following quote-

“Occasionally a woman is self-conscious of her Labia since childhood.”

Here’s some more from the FAQ section of the product’s website:

Q. “I used to be so “Pink” and healthy looking on my inside Labia Lip area. Now I am losing that fresh look. Is there anything I can do”?
A. Yes, now there is a solution! “My New Pink Button” is a Cosmetic Dye especially for the woman’s genital area, to help restore that healthy vibrant Rosy color. Until now there has never been a solution for restoring natural pigment. This is a concern with many women and more than you can even imagine, and a frequent question that Physicians are asked. Check out the blogs on the Internet. You are not alone! This is a common problem and we now have a simple and safe solution, restoring sexual confidence to Women everywhere!

So the pussy dye (haha yes, I did just say that) comes in 4 different shades- Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger and Audry.

Marilyn is the lightest and “good for beginners.”

What’s Bettie like? “Think of that favorite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs.”

Audry is a “bold burgundy pink color” for “the woman that loves to be daring”.

” Ginger was “developed for ‘Women of Color.’”

Right so if you feel the need to add this to your basket of anal bleach and bum-bras you can check out the site over HERE.

Personally, I think it’s all a little bit nuts. If your kit down there is in working order and is kept nice and clean (nothing worse in the world), I don’t see what the point of products like this is.

Yes you read the heading right… Vulva. Vaginal Scent. Yes. In a bottle!

I come across and get some really mental shit put on my desk and sent to me, but this is up there with a dancing bear getting rogered by a rabbit with a M-16 smoking a cuban while Monica Lewinski re-in-acts her happy time on Bill Clinton!

So what is Vulva?

• The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure.
• The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass phial with a comfortable roll-on- applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance.
• The phial is shaken gently, … only a tiny amount of the precious,
organic substance is applied onto the back of the hand… and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head.
• Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the smelling odour of an irresistible woman. Fiction has become reality – to carry around the vaginal scent in order to enjoy
erotic fantasies

Breathe in, and enjoy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! World class!

I don’t know what to say really, other than watch the video and realise the insanity and if I am honest, the hilarity of this advert and what this is! The dude who plays the part must still be in hiding! It’s even been featured on the Jonathan Ross show (2nd video).

So, what you reviews on this? Love to hear what the Mooiness have to say.

Visit them at www.smellmeand.com (Again, I have nothing with that URL)

Enjoy the NSFW gallery below of the advertising visuals that they have. Yes they are real, they from their site!

Our glorious Rainbow Nation, filled to the brim with an eclectic melting pot of kif okes, sweet babes and vuil naais. But there isn’t one singular collective that encompasses all and sundry; for instance I can smell a Joburger from twenty paces, and its not just due to the mandatory 2 cans of Axe body spray that is applied before having dinner in a shopping mall, theres just something about people from all 5 corners of the country that resonates. For a guy who has been thrust into Mzansi magic since birth, there is a definite twang about people from different phone codes, and while Im probably only going to need “911” once half the steroided Stellenboschians have had their morning litre bottle of Klippies and then read this, its still vital that foreigners know what theyre getting into before they visit the doldrums of the new South Africa.

Cape Town

“Chill man, everythings irie, lemme quickly adjust my suspenders on my skinny jeans and I’ll serve you your Jack Black within the next 20 minutes…promise” –  That’s your standard reply from one of the 800 000 former advertising students who are actually just too cool for the industry and are taking some time out, working at a Long Street Bar to really “Find themselves”. Inevitably they go on to do a photography course, followed  by starting a fashion label, all the while insisting that the smell of reefer promulgating the air is helping the flow of creativity. Just a pity about the fucking dedication. It is like the mountain enforces Einstein’s theory that time is relative, but its not, and you need to stop asking for an extension on your deadline. If its not chilled out film students over-pondering irrelevant philosophy then its, well… sweaty gays. Order a hot dog at 4am at BP at Somerset road, make sure you acquire the “extra saucy” option. Better yet, try it in leather pants. Ive got fifty bucks that says you wont make it to your car without at least 4 of the most fabulously divine he-shes begging for “just a little bit of help changing my tyre in a dark alley”. Capetonians are too relaxed, focus too much on midweek partying and designing flyers for upcoming gigs and need to get a real life, where they aren’t 35 and still taking acid at a bush rave and calling it spiritual.

Joburg

“Yussis boet, cant believe this whey protein doesn’t come in more than a 20kg tub”. Personally I don’t know how the majority of Vaalies don’t stare at themselves in the mirror and burst into tears. Word of advice, if you have taken so much muscle builder that you can actually see veins in your forehead, you need to eat some broccoli and take a long introspective walk in a garden maze of some kind. They say the economic hub of the southern tip is high energy, fast paced professionalism. True, but the over abundance of aggression, throughout the economic and social spectrum, is enough to make Ghandi take up arms. If fully grown straight men had a championship to see who could wear the tightest fitting t shirt emblazoned with diamante sequins and tiger prints, then Joeys would account for the 1^st 2^nd and 3^rd teams. I have to wonder if they watch Jersey Shore episodes and have a brainwave of summer fashion.  Fair enough though, I would probably also be a muscle bound rogue if I had a 5 in 4 chance of being raped every day. The crime rages to a point where no one walks along the streets. A good idea of a night out features extensive tours of elaborate shopping malls, where a first-class view is considered to be the people at the other end of the courtyard youre sitting in, or the giant neon “Sports Scene” above the shop adjacent. Joburgers: Chill out, smoke a joint, and stop fucking invading Plett to catch a glimpse of what the ocean really looks like in December.

Durbs

I hate three things in life: The idea that Julius might one day be president, people who wear socks in sandals, and a Sharks supporter trying to blame the ref when they lose another crunch match.  I have tuned the okes from Joeys about aggression, but try wearing a Province shirt to a Saturday Night at Joe Cool’s after a Sharks loss and there will be gang rape. Its definitely a sign of the times when boardshorts and flippies are acceptable attire in a nightclub. Wipe the humidity out your ears and have maybe a little more to show for 200 years of existence than Shaun Pollock and the highest case of domestic abuse in the country. But leader Jacob hails from this section of jungle. So ya… ummm… there’s that. Way to go. By far the sweetest accent on the planet, the cacophony of a Durbanite bears remnants to a deaf Jamaican on ketamine  – “So way kiff bro”. If its not roadside rickshaws its an Indian burning rubber in a modded out ’95 Astra that will get you. Durban poison wasn’t always a weed, in the 70’s it was used by the Apartheid government to nuke all traces of “kiff okes” and sweet “chicks”. They tried to survive, but all you see now are mutated rejects grovelling around a Toxic wasteland. Shame, at least they can claim Stefan Terrblanche. Kif.

Stellies

See Im half unsure whether I should back away from lambasting farm people like this. “Friendly, Warm and Welcoming” translates into 17^th century Stellenboschian dialect as “ a soft poesklap”. More adept at drinking beer, then say… tying your shoes. They have literally tried to get weapons fighting into a local farm church’s charity parade. Masquerading as a varsity town its a place where debauchery and indeed farmyard sodomy reigns supreme. Nestled in the mountains away from the bustle of Cape Town and the ethical obligations of civilized society, The Bosch is a homeland to post-pubescent study-nuts who never want to grow old: A Boere Neverland if you will. And while it might only house these academics for a few years, as they swiftly move to greener pastures, the impact upon them will last a lifetime.  If the B Com Marketing degree you got from Maties doesn’t find you a treasure trove of work, feel safe in the notion that theres always your uncle’s sheep pleasuring business up the road. Long live the Dutchmen.

So you see, everyones a cunt in SA. If you haven’t been mentioned in this article then that is proof that youre even more of a cunt then most. The nice part is that occasionally we all come together in some thunder ball of genetically modified bullshit and we have this multi cultural unique world of intrigue and coloureds train surfing. If you can stand aside and just appreciate them all for the own tangible differences, then we’re the “Oh my god it’s a double Rainbow” Nation. The regular Rainbow nation, but on drugs and shit.

~Stroob~

Follow Stroobz on Twitter: @Stroobz

Some days I just trawl the internet for interesting stuff and the other day I came across this little video. I’ve always struggled with the Frisbee and after the watching this I’ve been feeling rather inept.  Both these guys have mad skills with their trick shots and some of the shots they actually pull off are out of this freaking world.