In times when the money belt is strapped so tight your kidneys sit around your underarms, and the burdening pressure of sky-rocketing bills leaves you tearful at the dinner table; the dog can fuck off and alcohol becomes man’s new best friend. Granted, one might not be pouring Crystal on bikinied Puerto Ricans, but slowly dripping Four Cousins over your fattening wife still provides enough allure to help you forget your ever bourgeoning financial problems. That’s alcoholism. Alcoholics are historically tweed-jacket-wearing divorced chemistry professors and those really pungent homeless men that are always asking for a two rand but have the breath to ward off Sauron. I mean, us normal, 9-5 blonde haired blue eyed little angels, revelling in the midst of our youth, can’t possibly be those cretinous villains who darken societies image? Well, I have a rather unhappy headline for you beacons of innocence: you know when you wake up on a Sunday morning, with your shoes still on, your head ringing and a blood pact between you and your mate to denounce all women and finally climb Everest next to your bed? That’s alcoholism, and it’s got you so hard by the short and curly’s they should be called the long and straighty’s.
Theres two main types of alcoholic dependency that exists in young people; the first one is recreational alcoholism. This means you dance pretty shitty without a few tequilas curdling your stomach, and your natural approach to members of the opposite sex ends up with you talking about your awesome new turtle aquarium unless you’ve imbibed a good few vodkas. 80% of the people reading this, and who have asked themselves this question in the past, fall into this bracket. You’re the reason clubs stay open, why the brand “Apple Sours” is allowed to exist and are the exclusive users of the morning-after pill. You Friday night bingers keep industries afloat, so thanks for contributing to society. But continued years of dedicated service, and your Friday/Saturday moments of glory can lead to ulcers, nerve damage, and sclerosis. Not to mention an unwanted platoon of illegitimate children bouncing around, which would cause you to drink anyway.
Then you have escapism alcoholism. Commonly referred to as “Fuck the world, err’body watch me do a handstand”. If life is handing you lemons and you’re fumbling for tequila, then youre in a degree of trouble. Alcohol, and I can state this categorically, solves none of life’s problems. It makes matters severely worse. The quick and sudden reprieve from any depression, normally accompanied by public nudity (exacerbating the depression), is followed by a hangover unrivalled. You know, like when Satan with nine penises launches forth from the netherworld, with a sole purpose to bum-rape your subconscious, forcing a hangover that seems solely responsible for the holocaust. Your problems will never be solved, only worsen. Your skin will become flakey and blemished, and your chronic pancreatitis will have an all out fist brawl with your cardiovascular disease to see who kills you first.
So what is the solution? You’re an alchy if you binge drink, even once a week. The mental effects go beyond memory loss and the temporary feeling that you are Sylvester Stallone. Neuroinflamation is literally making our young people dumber. We live in this bubble that alcoholism is reserved for your creepy uncle, fantasy fiction writers who still use typewriters and suicidal emo kids with knives for friends. But the reality is, the social butterflies parading around clubs until two in the morning are doing themselves severe harm under the pretence that “I’ll stop when I’m older”. But before you realise it, you are older, and you’re depressed because you’ve always lived with youthful exuberance but now you are crusty, and you drink because you feel shit. I love having a few toots and being stupid, but I don’t do it without the cognisance that it’s a harmful cycle, even when Im getting a 2am nipple piercing.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he turns fermented celery juice into wine, and completely covers a street child in badger honey.